I am telling this to just accept it I think. It's true. Worked in sales. Had sold something my first day. Had always sold. I was helpful without being pushy - that's what people said anyway. Then, things looked funny to me one day. I felt change. For a week didn't sell a thing, at all. My sales manager got concerned and one day talked to me. I told him something was wrong - very wrong - too scared to think about it. That very day went home and the answering machine was blinking.
It was my older brother. My mom was in the hospital, but not serious. He would let me know. I knew. Booked a plane ticket and called the husband at work. Our three children were young.
Went home and the docs and nurses told us she needed surgery, serious, but she would be okay. I felt doubtful. A ward clerk, I remember she looked at me, and told me my mom was very sick. I knew it.
Well, my mom always knew how I was. Surgery was her only hope of living. She never asked me. I almost told her not to have surgery and let go naturally, but she never asked. The night before her surgery was scary. I told her, sitting in a chair in the corner, that I would read until she fell asleep. I was reading, then felt something. My dad had been gone for years, but I felt him. Didn't look up - left them alone. When I felt he was gone, phoned the husband crying. Told him that I was going to lose her - why else would my dad be there.
Well they were wheeling her in for the operation and she looked at me scared. It was her choice. I felt she wanted something from me. I wanted to say, "No! Don't go!" But it was her only hope. I gave her a thumbs-up signal, thinking, "You liar. She won't make it..." That haunts me.
She made it through surgery with complications, barely made it. During, my brother asked, optimistically, "Do you think mom will be okay?" I couldn't lie. I just looked away. He understood. She went to intensive care afterwords for almost 6 wks. They had to do dialysis, but her blood pressure dropped too low. Nine specialists with her. I just asked them if if could sit in the corner. Then she was okay.
After that, twice a week, they called me in when they did it. Finally she got well enough to go to a private rm. I had to go home. Couldn't stay forever. The husband, his father was there too also to help, was tired. Flew home. Washed clothes and repacked. Told my boss wasn't going back to work; if they had to let me go it was okay. They didn't. My boss knew early something was wrong. Told my husband and boss my mom would do badly again. Repacked. In five days got that call that she was crashing so flew back. She was stable and back in intensive care.
There is more, but this is too long. Sorry. We lost her after another four weeks. My husband said that if he had realized that she might die, he would have gone there and taken the kids. I told him that I had told him. Felt a little anger. But she did not want them to see her that way. It was best.
I felt horrible for years about that thumbs-up. Still feel and see it. She went through a lot, not terrible, but bad. Now, I realize, it was her choice and live with it. Still, I kept hearing myself saying, "Liar, stop her..." I guess I just want to control everything.
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