Since I can remember people have called me "too sensitive". I feel what other people are feeling and can easily interpret if someone is lying to me, if they're sad, if I don't like their energy, etc. These are all things I've kind of always known but only truly accepted in that past year or two. I work as a CNA in a hospital and am in nursing school as well so being in the hospital really forced me to figure out how to cope with that stuff. I think I have a good handle on grounding, shielding, clearing my chakras/aura (although I should probably do it more often).
The problem now is that I don't know how to handle these other things I've been experiencing since I was a kid. When I was little I remember hating to sleep in my bedroom alone because there was a dark shadow man that would stand in my doorway across from my bed and stare at me. I would keep my eyes open as long as I could or just cry myself to sleep. I was scared every single night and I still feel things in my room to this day when I try to go to sleep. I hate to sleep in complete darkness because it makes it more intense and scary for me and I'm 23 years old- how am I supposed to explain why I am afraid of the dark to my boyfriend or friends if I am staying with them?
I didn't understand what was going on as a kid and I'm sure I got the whole "monsters aren't real" talk a bunch of times so I just convinced myself that I was making it up. As I've gotten older, I just can't stop feeling like I might have some kind of ability that I've suppressed over the years just because it scares me so much. I can't meditate and truly relax because I literally feel like people are standing all around me and it makes me panic & open my eyes. There have been times where I flat out asked "what do you want?" and was truly surprised when I heard an answer in my head and had a conversation. It was weird because it was so fast- faster than a person speaking would ever be... It was more of an I just know kind of thing... Hard to explain. I honestly don't think I am mentally ill because I wouldn't be functioning at the level I am now, and be able to make it through nursing school if I had schizophrenia. I have also worked with a lot of schizophrenic and bipolar people and I don't think what we are experiencing is the same.
I see images of people I don't know while awake, I have EXTREMELY vivid dreams where I am another person a lot of the time, I always feel the presence of stuff in my house or elsewhere, I hear things occasionally if I address it- but most of the time I either ignore these things or just brush them off as my imagination because it scares me. I'm scared to open myself up to things because there are so many movies and stuff about demonic possessions or whatever and I'm TERRIFIED something like that will happen to me. I have tried to set ground rules and tell things to leave me alone and cleared my house and that has helped some, but I just feel like I need to learn to control this instead of pushing it away all the time. There is a part of me that is terrified and a part of me that feels like something is missing and I want to learn more about this stuff.
What is really hard is the fact that I have no proof of what I am experiencing being real- there's no validation, no one I know who I can talk to about these things, it's just a secret I have to keep. Ideally one day I would like to talk to a medium or psychic to see if this is real for me, but being in school full time and working as a CNA I don't really have the money to do that. I don't know if anyone here has any advice of how to handle this or similar experiences you've gone through, but maybe that would help me. Thanks for reading too because I know this got a little long and rambley!