Daydreaming relentlessly about this, that, and everything, most of my fantasies are inspired by my fears or desires. "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" is a perfect example of how my mind works - escape reality and replace it with awesomeness. These sort of daydreams, when complete, I move on from and forget, never to revisit. But, certain fantasies seem to be inspired by something outside of or so deep within myself, that I am not quite sure where they originate from. They also come with a strong feeling or many strong feelings. I struggle to acknowledge reality when they come. Even the most important situations and company loose priority to playing out these fantasies. I obsess over them and replay them like a small child does with their favorite movie. Nothing feels better than to experience and re-experience each beat. I prefer to think of these fantasies as visions, because they do not come from the same source as my typical daydreams, and they always manifest into my reality at some point.
For example: I met a guy while I was living in Bangkok and he was visiting on holiday. We spent every breath together from the moment we met until 3 days later, when it was time for him to fly home. We became Facebook friends, casually messaging back and forth every few days. There was never any talk of seeing each other again. I am american, he is french, and we met in Thailand, so all logic pointed towards it being a come-and-go affair. But, I began to fantasize strongly about living with him in France. I even began to beg the universe for that vision to come true. I told everyone I was not going to stay in Thailand as long as I thought, and that I would be moving to France next! I just felt in my heart that it was true. The vision was simple - I am making embroideries in our 2 story flat (my vision fixated on the stairs). I meet his mother while she is cooking, as if she lives in her kitchen (I knew nothing about his mother at the time). When he comes home from work, all his buddies are with him, and they walk in on me in my underwear. They are attracted to me. - These three, short, and simple clips are all I had. Four months of talking like friends later, this guys surprises me by returning to Bangkok just to ask me to move to France with him. Spontaneously, I arrange my move and he arranges our flat for when I arrive. The flat he finds is unique to the district, because it is 2 stories (with a staircase just as I envisioned. I never told him my visions either.). The first time I meet his mother is in her kitchen. She has a disability and can't leave her flat, so she spends each day cooking for family and neighbors in her building. Because of her disability, we spent multiple days a week taking care of and spending time with her. And, what turned out to be two major issues in our relationship was the fact that a few of his friends were sexually attracted and making inappropriate attempts to be with me, and the fact that he was so social that his group of guys would surprise me by showing up at our flat all the time! Lastly, the whole year I lived with him, I was working on embroideries, which is uncharacteristic of my typical art practice.
Visions like this sometimes come a whole year before they manifest, or just weeks. I also get information, and do not understand where from. For example: Sophomore year of college, I saw a girl in the elevator of my dormitory and immediately said to myself, "she is going to be my best friend". A month later, we met for the first time. I proceeded to ask her to hang out sometime, and we have been best friends now for 8 years; "a match made in heaven". Whenever I get visions or information with those strong feelings, I now expect them to manifest, because they always have! Yet, I am so emotionally sensitive to them that I can't always just sit back, wait, and trust they will happen. I begin obsessively praying for them to be true, or preparing myself for the grim destiny, if they are not desirable. These moments of what I call "just knowing" have preceded all the major events of my life, from picking a college to taking an otherwise random job opportunity. It has also informed me of the significance people who enter my life will have. I have foreseen some relationships years in advance and others upon first sight of the individual. What makes these visions and bits of information hard to trust as more than just fantasies though, is that fact that they are contaminated by my creative and visual mind.
The visions and the information are always simple, but I build them up like daydreams. I add to them where they are lacking, without even realizing I am doing that. So, it is difficult to know what has come to me and what I have created. To separate what I have added, I have to ask my gut and look into which parts stir up an emotional response. What also makes having this "knowing' difficult is the fact that nothing comes with a precise timeline! I get a general idea of when - Spring of next year, or this summer,... Waiting can become extremely emotional for me. Sometimes it is agonizing as doubt pours in and fear builds up that my vision will not come to pass. This is a highly puzzling and private aspect of my life that I have kept to myself. But, understanding would seriously help!
Where do these visions and bits of knowledge come from? Can I acquire more information about them, like more specifics as to when and how they will manifest? Is what I "just know" will happen manifesting on its own, or do I (need to) play a part in bringing things about? How much is destiny vs. The result of my actions? I am looking for answers and guidance for dealing with future visions and experiences of "just knowing".