Mum was a non-charging psychic medium and schizophrenic. I saw some amazing things as a child. I am myself a scientist with a very skeptical mind but it would be entirely arrogant, and frankly unscientific of me to deny what I have seen with my own eyes and failed, despite many efforts, to explain away. So I do not for a minute deny my mothers abilities. That would require Freudian level denial!
However growing up with Mum meant that because I didn't get 'messages' like her, I always considered myself 'un-gifted'. Since losing Mum and her Mum (my Gran) this year, some very strange things have been happening. And it has made me actually start to accept that strange things have happened to me for a long time:
- Precognitive dreams (all so inane though.)
- Extreme feelings of dread or 'flavours' related to people (sometimes I haven't even met but have heard about) that have allowed me to instinctively know/predict things about them/their behaviour that I should not know (this has seriously freaked out my boyfriend and ex on soooo many occasions and he considers me 99% accurate). This gut instinct is scary even to me at times. I just shouldn't know these things and don't know why I do. This goes back to when I was a small child but has not ceased at all. It can make it very hard to go to crowded places etc.
- Very powerful sense of physical energy when trying Tai Chi as a child
- Strange experiences doing yoga including floods of emotions from unknown sources
- A family friend tried to do healing on me when I was 8 and I could physically feel all of it
- I went to a spiritualist church once as a child (at 12 years old, with Mum) and accidentally projected my thoughts to the medium which TERRIFIED me (and at the time led me to believe they were just telepathic, not communicating with anything else, though I do think there is more to is now).
- Recently, coincidences, everywhere, that CAN'T just be coincidence as they are so numerous. I feel someone is guiding me, has listened to my words, watched my suffering through losing Mum and Grandma, heard me say things like 'I am so tired of tearing apart family homes' (i.e. Clearing their homes), 'I just long for a home of my own' and bam. One was handed to me and boyfriend on a plate the next day, in the most incredible way.
- Realizing that my diagnosis ('atypical, high-empathy female Aspergers') actually ticks EVERY SINGLE BOX I have read today on the internet regarding being an Empath and spiritual healer. So maybe I do have some of Mum's gifts even though I don't get messages directly?
- Recent increase of energy-sensing including waves of sensation etc flowing through my body at times
However, I actually am finding this all rather a revelation, emotional rollercoaster (along with double bereavement and spiritual skepticism) and very distracting whilst trying to catch up on my degree after all the disruption this year. I would like to have the time to explore this more fully but it simply isn't available.
How do you find the balance? It feels wrong to just 'ignore' it and deny my nature!?
I am at a loss.