I'm almost 21. My whole life I've felt 'different'. I was always mature for my age. I don't like negativity or drama. Humans disgust me almost. They're so negative, selfish and vile.
I do like to observe peoples lives and reactions. I don't like actually participating. I feel like an outsider, one who's not really living. Just observing and watching...
I have major Deja Vu. There will be 'new' episodes of shows, and I KNOW I've seen them before as I can clearly remember and know what happens. I felt like I watched them a long time ago, but yet they're new and were literally just released. I also get a sense of deja vu reading certain things. Like its definitely happened before, or I can remember the feeling I had when I read/did something before (but I haven't?)
I used to have dreams and have something happen the next day that correlates to them.
I hate my life, my situation. I always find myself saying/wishing "I want to go home" over and over. But I'm at 'home' with my parents, which is very difficult (emotionally abusive household). When I break down at night I just keep thinking that I want to go home. But where's home? I don't know.
I sometimes have VERY real/vivid dreams. However theyre almost always nightmares. Pain. I can literally feel the pain. I try so hard to wake myself up.
I ALWAYS feel like someone is watching me. I feel so embarrassed when I do something shameful/embarrassing. Because I feel like someone/something is watching me all the time.
I feel like there's nothing in this world for me. I dislike most people (I often find myself saying Humans.)
They're toxic, vile and selfish. So imperfect. They're foreign to me. I don't understand them. I don't understand how people do the things they do. I don't belong here. I know I don't. This world is so boring to me.
I feel so different and strange. I feel deeper than everyone else.
I don't know if I believe in god or an afterlife. But I hope there is an after life or more to this life. I truly need there to be more.
I feel like something is there. That this can't be it. I want to find out more. I look up Aliens/Ufos /Afterlife. I'm searching for proof or evidence.
I also strive to look a specific way. I have this image in my mind, and I NEED to achieve it. I feel so imperfect, I need to be this 'look' this person. I feel like this image in my head is the true me. Its not a 'look' normal people would go for.
The only time I feel 'Alive' or real is when I'm listening to music in the car. When my parents go somewhere, I go with in order to stare out the window, listen to high energy music, and imagine/lose myself.
I also feel a VERY strong connection to Japan. I feel like I belong there? Or maybe in a past life. I cry knowing that it's unachievable that I'll ever be able to go there.
I feel so alone. Everyone seems oblivious. They seem perfectly content in their boring, repetitive lives. They date,marry, have kids. I could never imagine myself doing any of that.
I want to become more spiritual or be able to 'feel' more, and to find out the truth. However somethings holding me back. Maybe its fear that nothings there? If I would try to talk out loud to see if I would get some type of response, if I don't I'd get depressed.
I'm not sure what to do. I feel like I'm wasting my life away, but I just can't do what normal humans do.