It would be great if someone could help me to gain some clarity on this.
I have been in a relationship with a narcissist (full NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a psychopath).
It has been more than 4 years now that the most horrible phase began. I had also PTSD.
I haven't seen him in person for about a year now.
I have just learned that the ability for closure on my side (the narcissist himself never allowing that) is also hindered by a kind of true addiction, due to the neurotransmitters in the brain, set off my abuse.
[https://selfcarehaven.wordpress.com/2015/04/27/your-brain-on-love-and-the-narcissist-the-addiction-to-bonding-with-our-abusers/]
However, my real problem has been for years now:
That I thought there was a special bond between us, because I could clearly sense him. At times, it was as if he was just standing in front of me, like a complete hologram, while being many miles away.
In the beginning, when unsuspectingly in love, I woke up one night in real panic because I couldn't sense him anymore (turned out, he was asleep at 4 o'clock in the morning;) ).
It has been proven many times - knowing _what_ he was thinking, knowing when there would be a letter arriving after months of no-contact. I felt his desires and demands. I felt his distress over the distance, when he was worried or hurt in some way.
In the beginning of our relationship, I once laid my hand on his chest and had a vision of a very dark, empty waste land within him. I usually don't get that kind of vision. He hated me for that and reacted very strongly, therefore I don't think it was pure imagination.
I keep having dreams of him, BEING with him,. Not day dreaming or wishing, not dreaming of any events and no nightmares. I keep dreaming that we are just together, hugging (like brother and sister).
This week, tending happily and freely to my own needs and projects after 6 months of no-contact, I had several days feeling that he was right here with me, and thinking of me very strongly. And right on, I received an e-mail by him full of abuse.
Before I had to realize that nothing of our relationship or bond was real, and what was happening and what he is, I truly thought we were soul mates because of this. He certainly is my dual soul in a very dark sense.
MY QUESTION:
As nothing was real between us, how can that be?
Considering that abuse can actually increase bonding and especially dopamine - could it be that my inherent telepathic abilities were somehow triggered by the chemicals? Especially during the phase of "bonding"?
Can it be linked together?
[And if so - could he control my mind? Or am I rather in his mind, as he sucked my energies or whatever in?]
ALSO:
My "first love" also just used me. That was more than 20 years ago now and I didn't realize at all back then what he was doing. He must have been a narcissist, too, judging from my insight today.
I had also precognitions about him and shared dreams.
Many years after break-up I dreamed about him being very sad and also about people in black coats with black umbrellas... And it turned out that that was a day or two after the funeral of a very impotant person in his life. Coats and umbrellas perfectly fitting the season and weather.
I NEVER experienced this with any other persons. Or rather, in a much, much milder form. Just a nice feeling that someone was thinking of me.
WHY I AM REALLY WRITING THIS:
I am literally going crazy over this. How can this be? What's real and true? And what can I do to stop this?
How did this happen?
I feel at the moment that the focus of my abuser is somewhere else, but I am dreading a time when he decides to turn his thoughts back to me.
Any insight would be very much appreciated!
Thank you.
Izzy
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I really understand how you feel about being deeply connected to a narcissist.
I experienced exactly the same thing for 1,5 years.
In the beginning, when he started to approach me and love bomb me, I sort of feeling him. I sensed that he was in pain within him. I felt his pain and I was drawn to him magnetically. During our relationship and his abusive treatment towards me, I always felt him. I knew when he was sleeping, I knew exactly when he woke up, I knew the moment he checked on my text, I sensed it when he was thinking about me, I knew when he was worried or anxious, I knew when he was excited, and I knew when he was having an accident without him telling me. While we lived more than 1000 km apart. I had the confirmation of what I felt and he didn't realize it. I also knew when he was lying, but I just stupidly ignored it.
At that time, nothing I could think about us except that we were meant for each other. And he always said so. The connection I felt was so strong like I'd never experienced before. It made me very curious and then tried to find the answer of what was happening with us. Then I believed that we were twin flames as many sites talked about that the signs are so similar. Only that time I didn't realize that ours was actually abusive. I didn't realized that he abused me emotionally. But when I believed we were twin flame, I tried hard to cope with the fact. It means working hard to make the union possible. That I started to learn meditation. It didn't work in the beginning. But I always tried to think positively when I was in pain and so much hurt by him and tried to heal myself.
In the end, still believing that we were twin flames, I felt the urged to clear my negative energy and raise my vibration since it was said that was needed for union. I meditated again, this time intensively. You know what happened then?
Energy healing is true and work for me. My anxiety and pain reduced abundantly. This made me able to see and think clearly. Gradually, I began to see that our relationship was completely one sided. It was not balanced. I always give and he always takes. And I began to think that if he really loves me, he won't make me miserable. I've been in love before and my previous ex was a normal guy and his treatment towards me was nothing like my narcissist ex. I realized this very clearly.
I keep doing my energy healing intensively. And as this is progressing, I feel that wonderful feeling of self love. Before, it had been difficult to imagine and to grasp what it meant by self love and how to get there. I know from so many articles I read that empaths and narcissist are both wounded people. Narcissist is hard to cured because the parts needed for that has been destroyed. But for empaths, most cases was that deep down they are insecure, feeling unworthy of love, and co dependence. These issues need to be healed first. I realize now this healing happens when we found self love and are in tune and aligned with our spirit. I also tried to find another answer now as to what had really happened. I came across information about false twin flames and unhealthy relationship between an empath and a narcissist. Almost all the traits fit with the truth.
Then I prepared myself to say goodbye to him. And surprisingly enough, it was quite easy. He refused of course, but I stayed calm and insisted. My preparation was that energy healing and developing my self love and spirituality. You know when I said goodby to him, it was almost without pain.
I continue my healing though. I don't want to feel him anymore, it would distract me again. I found a way to cut the emotional bond with him using guided visual meditation, and another meditation for forgiving and letting go. I did this several times that finally I don't feel him the way I did before.
I can't sense him anymore now in daily basis. I don't know he's sleeping or awake, I don't know what he feels or he's ok or not. Only from time to time I will feel reckless and anxious and that was the time he tries to text me. Only that.
When he text me, I reply using Gray Rock method (a method to talk with a narcissist) cool and nice and firm. He tries to take me into long conversation by saying something that would make me ask question. But I can see his attempt and don't take his bait.
The wonderful thing is that it is all quite easy to detach from him when we are in our true self. It's true that I still don't understand about that strong connection with him and why and how it can happen. But the most important is it can be stopped. All that co dependency and insecurity have disappeared. The bond has been cut stop. I ended this relationship just a month ago and he is still doing his hoovering tactics now, and so far, I can handle it quite easily. I don't feel anxious or scared or worried. Instead, I feel so happy with myself, I feel fulfilled and loved and worthy. I'm happy with the way I am, I forgive myself, and I know God and the universe love and forgive me too.
I think you can also find a way to free yourself from his impact. You can find a way that is suitable and works for you, so you can feel relaxed and avoid getting along with a narcissist again in the future.