It would be great if someone could help me to gain some clarity on this.
I have been in a relationship with a narcissist (full NPD Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a psychopath).
It has been more than 4 years now that the most horrible phase began. I had also PTSD.
I haven't seen him in person for about a year now.
I have just learned that the ability for closure on my side (the narcissist himself never allowing that) is also hindered by a kind of true addiction, due to the neurotransmitters in the brain, set off my abuse.
However, my real problem has been for years now:
That I thought there was a special bond between us, because I could clearly sense him. At times, it was as if he was just standing in front of me, like a complete hologram, while being many miles away.
In the beginning, when unsuspectingly in love, I woke up one night in real panic because I couldn't sense him anymore (turned out, he was asleep at 4 o'clock in the morning;) ).
It has been proven many times - knowing _what_ he was thinking, knowing when there would be a letter arriving after months of no-contact. I felt his desires and demands. I felt his distress over the distance, when he was worried or hurt in some way.
In the beginning of our relationship, I once laid my hand on his chest and had a vision of a very dark, empty waste land within him. I usually don't get that kind of vision. He hated me for that and reacted very strongly, therefore I don't think it was pure imagination.
I keep having dreams of him, BEING with him,. Not day dreaming or wishing, not dreaming of any events and no nightmares. I keep dreaming that we are just together, hugging (like brother and sister).
This week, tending happily and freely to my own needs and projects after 6 months of no-contact, I had several days feeling that he was right here with me, and thinking of me very strongly. And right on, I received an e-mail by him full of abuse.
Before I had to realize that nothing of our relationship or bond was real, and what was happening and what he is, I truly thought we were soul mates because of this. He certainly is my dual soul in a very dark sense.
As nothing was real between us, how can that be?
Considering that abuse can actually increase bonding and especially dopamine - could it be that my inherent telepathic abilities were somehow triggered by the chemicals? Especially during the phase of "bonding"?
Can it be linked together?
[And if so - could he control my mind? Or am I rather in his mind, as he sucked my energies or whatever in?]
My "first love" also just used me. That was more than 20 years ago now and I didn't realize at all back then what he was doing. He must have been a narcissist, too, judging from my insight today.
I had also precognitions about him and shared dreams.
Many years after break-up I dreamed about him being very sad and also about people in black coats with black umbrellas... And it turned out that that was a day or two after the funeral of a very impotant person in his life. Coats and umbrellas perfectly fitting the season and weather.
I NEVER experienced this with any other persons. Or rather, in a much, much milder form. Just a nice feeling that someone was thinking of me.
WHY I AM REALLY WRITING THIS:
I am literally going crazy over this. How can this be? What's real and true? And what can I do to stop this?
How did this happen?
I feel at the moment that the focus of my abuser is somewhere else, but I am dreading a time when he decides to turn his thoughts back to me.
Any insight would be very much appreciated!