I'm a 21 year old girl and I've been struggling with this relationship for a decent amount of time now, and I don't even know if I should. I'd really appreciate your help with this, if you're so kind to read this whole thing and make some useful comments on it, or ask questions about anything you consider significant e.g. Dates, etc.
So I've met someone at the age of 16 in 2012, in the beginning of the summer, and we almost immediately clicked. None of us has experienced this deep level of connection and understanding with anyone else. And also small things like, contacting each other at the exact same time, texting each other about the exact same thing at the same time, etc.
I was quite convinced that he was my "soul mate" or "twin flame", something along those lines. We went out for about 8 months which was really, the best time of my life - at first. Then it became more and more hurtful due to some things he told me about his past (which I later found out were complete lies). I did not really talk to him about my negative feelings regarding these things, although I became quite a bit depressed because of them, facing a whole new level of depression that I've never experienced before (I was not much of a depressed type), and, at the same time, although I didn't really discuss my feelings with him about his past (as I was not really open back then, also, ashamed of my feelings I guess), but he kind of saw the bad mood I started to experience almost always and he also got into great depression, I'm not really sure of the cause though.
Now, this relationship, even despite the great level of love and deep understanding we were experiencing, has ended after around 8 months, for reasons that are still not quite clear to the both of us, and due to some unlucky occurrences and misunderstandings.
He got into a relationship a few months later, and after a while, I did too. His lasted for a few weeks, mine did for almost 3 years. Almost 3 years, during which I felt "okay" and didn't really think about the other boy. Well, happy at the beginning, later I was kind of disappointed and was planning to get out of it as the guy has completely lost my trust. During this long-term relationship, I've not spoken to the boy that I met in 2012 (gonna call him M), didn't meet him, didn't run into him anywhere, in fact, I found out that no one really knew anything about him anymore. No one was keeping in touch with him, as he's not been responding to any messages, nothing. At first I didn't really care when I met with a mutual friend and found out all this, but then, a couple of months passed, and I started to think of him regularly (I was in the 3yr relationship during the time), at first I experienced interest, then I felt happiness when I was thinking about the memories we shared together, but then, thinking of the memories, all in the past. It's gone. I started to feel really sad, I even cried. I felt like I was missing him, more and more. After 3 years of not keeping in touch, at all.
And somehow I knew that he still cared for me.
I wanted to contact him really badly but I forced myself not to do that as I was afraid of his reaction or if he's going to respond at all. So I did not. But after a few days, I contacted him on social media - no response. Emailed him as well. Days went by, weeks went by without getting any response. I started behaving like a maniac, checking my phone, my mails, social media, just refreshing and all that, even when in the gym or elsewhere. If he had replied maybe. Nothing. I was so desperate and felt like this was something I had to complete, getting in touch with him, although I didn't know why.
I started talking about him to everyone, even with my (then) boyfriend of almost 3 years. I was so desperate.
I contacted a psychic as I didn't understand how I became so weird all of a sudden, having these feelings all over again without any contact for so long. I became suspicious if it's black magic or something. The psychic asked for photos and I sent some to her, about myself, as well as about M. The psychic said it's not black magic, but a karmic relationship, which is for me, really difficult and painful as "I want more" and "he still has these deep feelings sometimes, but then he's gone" and also "for me he's elusive and immature". She also said that we've been together in many other past lives of ours and kept causing pain to each other there as well as in this life too. I asked her what to do in this case, she replied "letting go". That's all the conversation I had with her.
Then, 1-2 days later, I had a dream, and I dreamed the exact day that M is going to reply to me. In my dream, it was clearly told, that he's going to contact me on the 10th of August. I somehow KNEW for sure, that he will. And he did, he replied on 10th of August as I had dreamed.
After some time of messaging online, we met and talked, and I somehow felt threatened by his present, as I did not want to get involved with him again - I knew if would be painful. But, after a few weeks/months has passed, I broke up with my then boyfriend as I just couldn't carry on with all these feelings I had for M, even though, having all these feelings for him was the last thing I wanted. I felt so miserable.
A few weeks/months after the break up, I couldn't keep on just meeting him as a "friend", as he already confessed months ago, well even when we first met after 3 years, he got drunk and told me things like I was the most beautiful girl he's ever seen, etc. I felt intimidated by his words then. But eventually, I confessed my feelings as well, and even though I felt miserable, I wanted to be with him so badly. Sadly, I was about to find out that he's changed in a negative way. He was completely different, not so kind to me that he was in 2012, and behaved in a passive aggressive way which I could not make to go away, no matter how hard I tried, it only became worse.
I felt that he didn't really care for me that much, I was the one that took all the efforts to meet him, help him with his life, etc. And he didn't seem to care, he didn't want to improve at all.
Eventually, as he behaved in a disrespectful way towards me as well, I felt like I couldn't take it anymore and left. There was a 6 months break when we didn't meet at all, although we sometimes kept in touch over the internet (emails).
Then again, I felt like I couldn't take it anymore, can't live without him for any longer, so we met again, and this on and off thing has been going on ever since.
But I feel like this whole relationship is just getting worse and worse and I'm not even trying to make it any better anymore, as it was just too painful when I tried. I didn't succeed so it was just painful and I don't want to feel that disappointed again. Even though he'd needed help as he's left high school years ago, without graduating and in a great depression ever since, he's not even keeping in touch with any of his old friends -basically what he does all day, is sleeping a LOT and playing on his PC (he lives with his grandmother).
I'm starting to feel like my task is to realize and finally accept that I cannot help him. That this is to teach me a lesson that I have to accept that some things in life cannot be changed no matter how hard you try.
I'm sorry for this long story, I'd really appreciate a few words how you guys see it or any questions you may have regarding the subject. One other thing I thought would be interesting is the significance of the number 8 in our relationship -we went out for 8 months, we, as teenagers broke up after 8 days at first, also the age difference is 8 months between us.
Thank you for reading my story and I'm looking forward your comments and help:)