First time reaching out in a forum like this, or anywhere else for that matter. I will try to be brief. I have Aspergers. Which in an of itself is a trip. I have a couple of things happening:
1. In my life I have also had the unfortunate/fortunate (depending on who you ask... Me I am NOT a fan but am somewhat glad I could help if that's what I was doing) to be present at the minutes/hours/days before several people have passed and been present as they passed.
Now, a brief description of the last passing. She was an aunt to my wife. She had been sick for awhile. I was at the hospital with the family, just in a "support" role. During the course of the last couple of days before my wife's loved one passed, I would explain to the family what was about to occur so they wouldn't be shocked or freak out. I.e. She was about to make body movements that weren't pretty; her heart rate was about to crater; her bp was about to skyrocket/crash, etc... I don't know how I would know - I would just know. Several days before she passed I asked her what her two favorite passages of scripture were. An hour or so before she died I placed a bookmark on one of these passages within her Bible. I was in the room with my Mother-in-law (her sister) and I was watching the monitors. I was watching her pulse rate and it was fairly steady at 60. For whatever reason I knew I HAD to grab the Bible and start reading the passage. It took less than 5 seconds for me to grab the Bible and start reading the passage. She passed in the middle of the second verse. I can't explain the "feelings", but it takes everything out of me and I feel extremely "scattered", not confused, just out of place, afterwards. It took me many months to recover. The nurse was watching and said that in the 19 years she had been working that ward she had seen scripture read before... Seen it read after... But never at the moment of passing. The other nurses, three of them, looked at me like I was from a different planet. The first nurse said they were afraid. This type of thing has happened a couple of times and I don't understand. I don't like it. If I am helping the person passing, ok, I am glad. But it doesn't mean I have to like it. It scares me.
2. My Brother died in 1989 of a prolonged illness, AIDS. There had been times in my life that I would smell this one particular smell that would always make me uncomfortable and want to vomit. The day before my Brother died I realized what the smell was and is. It is death. I have smelled it on several other occasions, and as far as I know, death was always near.
3. I have been having a lot of issues since attending a seminar that "taps" into the emotions of the participants to help in the self realization process needed for inner growth as well as spiritual growth. Totally screwed me up. I always knew that I was way different from everyone else. Knew I didn't and don't fit in. But learned at an early age to be the chameleon. It was the only way to survive. I was told in 1996 and 2006 I had Aspergers. I politely (pfft) told the Doctors to go "you know where" and refused to acknowledge it. Period. Not a wise choice. After this seminar I was forced to recognize, accept and start working on that part of me because the alternative wasn't acceptable. I am doing much better now and have come out of that storm intact and enjoying the process of remolding myself into what was intended.
4. During this seminar I became attached to a person who worked with me on some of the exercises. I have since found out she is gifted. We have this weird bond, but several months ago, before I acknowledged and accepted my Aspergers, she asked an innocent question that sent me into what I now know is a meltdown. I did not know at the time, but one of the subjects I divulged to her hit a very raw part of her soul.
5. I have been told on several different occasions in my life that I was "gifted". I have had strangers walk up to me and tell me the same thing several times in my life. This past February, after my wife's aunt passed, I was given the opportunity to meet with an extremely gifted clairvoyant. I told her about my Brother and my wife's Aunt. I could tell she was being very limited with her explanations and said I was a type of empath. Whatever the hell that means. I mean... I know what it means. But really? She really didn't go into a lot, but she seemed uncomfortable. I was told I needed to find someone local to work with, but to be very careful whom I chose.
6. I made a friend during the seminar (late January). I found out shortly after the seminar she is gifted. This was after we had started to form a strong bond. She has pulled extremely back from me. To the point of not really talking, we can text, but it is obvious she limits any physicality to as little as humanly possible. I mean, it feels like the breathe leaves her when she sees me. She doesn't hate me. She isn't angry with me. She cares about me. I don't know if she is afraid of me or what. Yes, we have had some tense moments because she, for whatever reason, has helped me through the last seven months. In fact, I probably wouldn't be here had it not been for her support. When we first met she was pretty healthy. Battling diabetes, yes. Not taking her insulin. She has since started her insulin but has been sick as hell for the last several months. I feel she has pulled back for particular reasons, but will not tell me why. I see her touch other people without problems, etc. It's just me.
7. Without really realizing it, I have always been able to tell what the intentions or feelings of another person. Yet I have always been so easily taken advantage of. I've come to realize the Aspergers is probably at fault there. I would KNOW a person was lying. I would KNOW they were just saying crap to get something from me. But there I would go... Down the frigging rabbit hole.
8. I have been trying to figure out what in the hell is going on with my emotions and day to day state of being. I have always kept a half closed eye on anything metaphysical. Don't want it. Don't need it. Just want to be left alone. Grabbing for straws I stopped by a place, that has been around for decades, to pick up some stones for protection. Don't know anything about the stuff... But hey... I really am desperate. I ended up speaking to the owner of the place. I felt very safe with him and he didn't ask anything of me. I was told that I am extremely sensitive to the vibrations of others. He suggested I get a book titled "Psychic Self-Defense" and immediately read chapter 2. I told him that I can not visualize things. It's not that I don't have an imagination. It is just so frigging hard for me to do that. I have found out it is an Aspergers thing. Our brains just process things so differently than most people. He suggested I look at a picture of what I am trying to visualize and use the picture instead. Not THAT I can do. He also suggested a cleansing ceremony of which I have begun. I got the book yesterday. When I got home I started reading chapter two. I did everything that it said and found a picture online that I could use while performing the "tower of light". After I got the picture in my head I laid down. Within a minute, and I mean less than 60 seconds, I started to feel exceedingly warm in the center of my body. All my life I have been able to do this little thing where I could concentrate and like push from the inside out, I would feel a little warmth and a strange electrical type thingy (for lack of a better term) and I would feel better. Don't know what it is. Just have always done it. Don't know when it started. Just always been there. But yesterday, I became very very warm. Again from the inside out. I kept pushing because a.) it freaked me out and I wanted to try to understand wtf was happening b.) it felt good and c.) I wanted to see how far I could take it. I stopped when I started to feel nauseous. When I opened my eyes and stood up it was like I felt "charged"...best way I can explain it.
I really have no idea what is going on. I do understand now that I have been pulling in and holding all of the negative energy from everyone and everything around me. I am worried that my friend has unwittingly become a victim of this and this is why she is ill and why she has pulled back from me. She is not the type that will tell me what is going on with me. She knew I was autistic before I even accepted it within myself. When I told her, she said "I knew it within a month of meeting you". Kinda pissed me off because I went through hell getting to the point of acceptance. When I asked her WTF... Why didn't you say something. Her reply was that it wasn't for her to tell me something that I needed to accept on my own. I can not put into words how afraid I am that I am harming her and that is why she has pulled back. She will not discuss this with me. In fact, there are several things she has said to me in the past, i.e. "You are like a mirror to me" that she refuses to explain at this time. I keep hearing the words "absorption" and "transference" in my head. Been hearing them for several weeks. WTF is that and is it related to my friend? Let me clearly state this; I am NOT in LOVE with her in the sexual sense. I already tackled that in my mind. It is most definitely not a sexual attraction. Not that she isn't appealing in that manner. She most definitely is. But sex to me transcends the physical nature of things and I simply do not have that connection with her. My wife... You frigging bet.
I don't know what I am asking for here. I don't know what the hell is going on. I don't know if anyone can shed any frigging light on any of this. But I really don't want to lose my friend because of some stuff I don't understand and, candidly, didn't ask for nor want. I've done an unreal job getting to the age I am as a highly functioning autistic that lived in a state of absolute denial. Stimming, detachment, meltdowns and all (funny...now I know the nasty things have names). Anyone have any advice, insight...ANYTHING?
I truly am sorry for the length of this submission.