This one is hard to explain and it's going to ultimately sound like the ramblings of a mad fangirl but I guarantee you it's not. I know it's not because I know I do not suffer from any delusional disorders or anything that makes me prone to believing things that can't possibly be real. I do know how I feel though and I do know that usually when I feel this strongly I'm not wrong. Except now it's different.
My entire life I've been able to predict events to some extent. Usually they are all the bad events in my life. I prefer more to base my thinking in logic and science. That isn't to say I don't believe in premonitions or psychic energy because I entirely do. I just believe that the true ability is rare to have. I am guessing this would be an unpopular opinion here but that's what I think. I guess what I am saying is I tend to be more skeptical of things than I tend to believe in visions or psychic readings but I also don't discount psychic readings or intuition either.
Over the years I have been known to be able to predict events in my own life down to the letter. I mean every last detail. For instance:
A few years back I got myself involved with a group that I'm going to call a cult. This was entirely on accident as trust me, I was not in any way looking to join a cult. It was more presented to me as a group of artists and I didn't realize until a few months in that something wasn't right. Not that I really had proof of this, it was just a feeling. The leader of this group always gave me really bad feelings. I could never tell if her personality was an act or if she was really being herself. As more and more time passed the feeling got worse and worse. One night, after hanging out with the group literally all night (for maybe the third or fourth night in a row) I woke up in a total mind fog, not knowing what day it even was. At that point I called it quits and said I was not going to be a part of the group any more. Of course, this didn't go over well. I also had friends in that group that I had brought in myself as they were other artists. I tried to get them out but they couldn't see this leader as anything more than genuine and had no idea why I was freaked out. Just telling them that I had a "feeling" wasn't working either. I kept insisting they needed to get away and stop trusting her but they wouldn't listen.
Over the next few months I could see what would happen. I even made an audio recording of it (which I don't have now because this was at least 4 years ago at this point) where I said that I knew that my friends I once had (who remained in that group) would turn against me and I would lose them. That they were still being polite to me but didn't really like me any more because I left the group. There was no reason for me to really have this feeling because they still remained genuinely nice, but something was off. A month after I recorded the message to myself where I literally said "mark my words they are all going to cut me off at once" it happened. A massive implosion where I was cut off from one of my best friends. A friend who promised me no matter what she'd never stop being my friend. A friend who was like a sister to me. The entire month leading up to it I could feel it happening I could sense it. There was no reason for me to feel this way nothing had changed between us, seemingly, but all in one night I lost her. It was only a few months after that, the group disbanded when the leader stole thousands of dollars from them and ran off. No one knows where she went. I tried to warn literally everyone about this repeatedly but I was shut out and because I didn't have any proof, just a feeling, I wasn't taken seriously.
This is just one example of many. A sense of impending doom. One where I feel someone is going to die, someone is going to betray me, or I'm about to be royally screwed over. I've even been able to sense when friends are in trouble. Just a few months ago I got a feeling that a friend of mine was being extorted for money over this girl he knew. I had absolutely no proof or reason to think this. To be fair, I knew the girl was a liar and she was baiting him with risque pictures and things. My friend, always the sensible one, didn't seem like the type to be baited by this, but he was. As it turns out he had given thousands to this online scam artist without ever telling anyone because he had come to believe this girl was going to marry him if he just kept giving her money and it was "their little secret". He was shocked I figured it out just by intuition, I was shocked too, I had actually been more accurate about how harmful she was than I'd originally thought.
I've been so good at this that I've been able to tell people conversations that were about to happen. For instance, I have a very bad relationship with my father. Whenever I have a problem people will say "go ask your dad for help" and I will tell him exactly how he will respond and usually almost word for word he does. Now, this could just be simple psychology and knowing my father really well, but even if it is, apparently it's impressive enough that it's shocked two people into wondering how I could know he'd say things like that. I also have an uncanny memory for detail, remembering very miniscule things from long ago that I had no reason to ever remember. Facts about people and things that should have been inconsequential and forgotten shortly after they happened. I'm not sure if this plays into anything psychic but I know my memory is insanely good with very trivial details of past events.
Now we come to where I am today. There is a person I admire, a lot, it happens to be a celebrity. Keep in mind, I am not at all prone to any sort of celebrity worship. Like, at all. For one, I grew up in a house where my father was a local celebrity, he knew other local celebrities, and my point is that I grew up with a healthy sense of people just being people even if they also happen to be on TV. Though I admire a few actors and musicians here and there, I am not easily star struck or star struck at all. I've come in contact with dozens of famous people over my life because of my father and his job, and this also includes famous musicians because of a job he's had before. I've been friends with celebrities of various importance. I never got the point in being star struck when the people we normally see on TV are just made for TV versions of themselves. What they choose to present to the world. Though some celebrities present themselves in a far better light than others (and far more admirable) I am well aware that I don't KNOW these people just because I read a book or saw a few interviews. Ultimately they are still strangers.
The reason I'm explaining this is because I want people to know how down to earth I actually am. That I am not prone to believing that every other celebrity is my soul mate or any of them are. That I don't believe and never have believed that I'm destined to be with a famous person. Fame doesn't interest me, I've seen the corruption it causes. Money isn't my top priority I've seen the corruption it causes. If anything these are two defining factors that would keep me away from ever wanting to be involved with anyone famous because God it doesn't sound appealing to me in the slightest. Not anywhere outside of fiction that is. However, this person I found and have read about extensively at this point, I feel differently about them.
It's not in an obsessive weird stalker way. In fact, most of the time I'm not really focused on them I'm living my life and whatever else. I don't have an intense need to have thousands of pictures of them or watch everything they've done constantly. I just am aware of them and that's that. That being said when I heard this person's life story I kept getting the crushing feeling over and over I was born too late. About 20 years too late. They are much older than me. In fact at this point I can't even finish their autobiography because it's gotten painful to me. It's like they are telling me my life word for word, but twenty years in the past. Even the way they describe their first love, that is me. That is my personality. I'm just 20 years too late to ever experience this person in this way because there's no chance now.
I have been able to talk to a few friends, lay out facts, just facts from the book and from this person's story. My friends who know me all agree it's REALLY REALLY WEIRD. How in sync I am not only with this person but with their first love. We all agree that it may not necessarily mean anything, because ultimately I think maybe it's just wishful thinking and it probably is. I just can't shake the overwhelming sense that it's not and if it isn't then I missed my chance or I was born too late. That the soulmate I'm supposed to have is taken and that's it. I lost. It's not their fame and fortune that I give any crap about, it's their story. It's who they are as a human. I have never felt such attraction to a story because I have never heard anyone tell a story that was so similar to mine. It wouldn't matter to me if this person was living next door and told this story or this person was famous. Chances are I only heard the story because of the fame this person has, which makes it all the more infuriating. Have I met people with similar backgrounds? Sure. Have I heard similar stories to mine? Absolutely. However, nothing was as dead on accurate as this one in a way that it literally pokes at my soul to a point I just can't listen to the story any more, or read it. That I'd rather just ignore it and try to pretend I never heard it in the first place.
Why am I writing this then? Well, through an incredibly stroke of uncanny luck I am going to be able to meet this person. At a party. In a few months. I will meet them. Though it's expected to be a pretty big party and I doubt I'll get more than five minutes of their time, I have considered completely avoiding this party entirely because of what I've been feeling now. I rarely if ever have feelings so strong towards anyone. I have absolutely no history of thinking this way about famous people. None. To be fair this person isn't even insanely famous any more, they were at one point but not so much now, so it's not even as if I'm thinking this about some sort of A-Listed untouchable. I don't know what to think, and so far, everything about them and their first love has eerily and emotionally lined up with my entire life just 20 years after it all happened to them. What am I supposed to think? Should I follow my intuition and go to this party or should I ignore it? I'm mostly afraid to talk about this at all because I know, I KNOW people will think I'm just some sort of crazy stalker fangirl when it honest to GOD isn't that. I just need some guidance on this, anything at all. I'd appreciate if people would stray away from telling me it's just an obsession or an infatuation. I'm in my 30s, I know what a crush is, I know what infatuation is, I know the difference between that and what this is and it's a weird feeling that I kind of just want to go away so I can stop thinking about it. How do I either get rid of it or see it through to the end without losing my nerve and without ultimately being crushed with disappointment when I realize I'm probably wrong?