I don't know if this is the right place to post but I need to get it out. The need to talk about this overwhelming urge to go after this is too much to contain. I have experienced so much as the person who had brought me to this website. I feel different, like I don't fit in that I stand out among the rest no matter how much I try to fit in. There is nothing that's helped me feel content and to fit in. I agree the human race is disgusting and I hate how I am part of it while still feeling out of place. I want to help though, I have the urge to hold out a hand and show what we are doing to ourselves and others.
I feel watched constantly, sometimes it's like the warmth of being held by a mother while you sleep while other times I feel watched simply to be judged. Usually though it feels like something there is to hold my hand and tell me its okay. It doesn't feel okay though, I live with an emotionally abusive family who is bent keeping me here. I want to explore the world, it draws to me unlike anything I've experienced. I also feel like I want to go home but I don't know where that home is. If I search the world maybe I could find it. I feel like there is a real family out there for me and I want to find them so badly its brought me to tears most nights.
I believe in reincarnation and I feel like my past life has some strong sense in my life now. Like I have something to live up to but I can't grasp it. I feel like I've gone to this home in my dreams, that I've met this family through them. The blurring bright colors and the overwhelming feeling of love, something I want to hold tightly to my chest. Some of my dreams have come true a bit after I have them, down to the last detail and it makes me wonder about my own mind. I feel like I could be better but I let humanity drag me to the muddy depths that many have sunk to. I'm torn between wanting to fit in or figure out what these feelings are pulling me to. All of my life these feelings have stayed buried in deep, others would laugh at me was something that would constantly hang over my head.
I go to music and nature as my source of comfort. Music during long rides in the countryside helps soothe me, or long walks in the woods. I feel this strong pulling to nature, I always have. I could sit under the trees and listen to the birds all day, it helps me get away from the polluted cities and screaming family. That motherly hold embraces me and warms me from the inside out. There was a time I stayed out for so long they had to come find me but I still didn't want to leave. The woods are such a dangerous but beautiful place, it's something that humanity doesn't deserve to have. I want to protect it, to have the strength to stand up for something I love so very much.