After a disgruntled start to my night as the graveyard auditor for a local hotel (had to break a window in my car while already being late!), I sat down at a lobby's table to unload my school bag and start up my laptop for some school-work. As I set up the cords, plug-in, and wait for the power display to flicker on- A quick wisp of white smoke, as if someone is smoking less than 3 ft away from me. It swirled a little closer than my right eye's peripheral so much so it caused me to snap my attention to the lobby door and south facing windows.
It's a wonderful, snowy night in the state's capital and I pegged the reflection from the passing cars speeding on the main road out of town, right passed this establishment, to be the culprit. Snow is highly reflective, on top of the panes of glass from the windows, and the busy road.
I shrugged, chalked it up to the aforementioned, and proceeded to open up the browser after the main-login to see where I was from the night previous. As my eyes settle, left hand cupping the left side of my face, elbow on the table as I scroll through the web-pages, almost feeling too relaxed to be working and then BAM! There the white smoke is again, wisping hurriedly into my left field of vision from my LEFT peripheral that this time I had to lean back and check my six to see what the source could possibly be.
I ended up taking to google, figuring it was just some sort of hint that my recent influx in smoking is literally "clouding my vision" or I'm getting too much "smoke in my eyes"... I'm not seeing things clearly or for what they are, especially when it came to having to break my car window for the second time this year MYSELF to avoid being stuck in a situation.
What am I not reading from just ^that^ situation; any takes?
Anywho... As I muck through the generated search results, take a walk through two other message boards, I find myself with the sentiment of literally missing the picture. I start clicking on whatever stirred me to feel; I have encountered problems with my sleep since about September 2018 now- first time in my life in-spite of what I've done to this body.
After generating a search on sleep loss on this site, (I believe what I searched was "only 2 hours of sleep") I come across a young man's story that had me written in every verse, down to dates.
With my mouth dropping farther and farther than my jaw should allow, I cannot properly deliver through the screen how I then reacted to the very first comment in response to this young man's story.
We are all within DAYS of posting of each other, hours apart, and to have stumbled across the magnitude of what this chance web browse encounter is capable of meaning/means (not only to me) is hard to wrap my head around.
I not only have shared similar, if not exact experiences with this young man, they were occurring in the same time frame, and not only in the same time frame, but we have actually used the same words and terms to describe what he was being called to do. I even have evidence of it in letters I sent to an individual I misread completely when I began this journey so many years ago.
And that first commentator, on this young man's post, not only echoed word for word, sentiment for sentiment, and tip for tip what I was amping up to reply to this young man on the basis of - he stated being drawn, pulled, or called as well in relation to being on this site due to these reasons. In this, I am held almost wordless and still mouth agape at the idea of literally seeing two birds killed with one stone.
I shake my head at it, even now; how can I even begin to doubt myself anymore at this point. I've been encompassing not being able to validate where my "delusions" or "psychosis" has been coming from; carrying it like a shame.
I scoff at the idea of even being an actual asset worth sharing such knowledge with others like myself, or others who are on this path, or others who are "waking up" but this man...
In one night, two sides of this coin have been shown to be not only valid but even possibly, solid.
All I want to do is suck down another cigarette, instead of wondering why I haven't bloomed where I have been planted, and if I'm truly not grappling with faith, doubt, excess, or hatred of myself- what am I dealing with.