I'm hoping this story won't be too long for many of you to finish reading, but I don't have much faith in my ability to cut it down without losing some important aspects. For starters, I am a 32 year old male. I work in the HVAC/Electrical trades and have recently decided that the path I am on is not spiritually sustainable for me. I've experienced phenomena throughout my life, some stuff that seemed normal, and other stuff that seemed unbelievable. I wrestle with doubt on the daily, because of my experiences. Even after rationally approaching some events, it is clear the only explanation involves the extra-sensory. My childhood was fairly average, growing up in a middle class family with parent's whose marriage was healthily intact (as far as I knew), and three older siblings, all sisters. My earliest memories of strange phenomena were as a child, sleeping in my toddler bed, waking to the idea that snakes were slithering in my bed, and a flame burning at the foot of my bed that I was incapable of snuffing out, no matter how much I kicked at it. Hallucinations maybe.
When I was five or six I developed a habit of waking my dad up in the middle of the night for food. I guess I didn't eat enough dinner at the appropriate time. I was always a skinny kid. My dad would oblige, and take me to the kitchen and fix me food. It was the waffles I remember the most. Anyway, one night I was laying in bed, and I caught a glimpse of my dad going downstairs for whatever reason. I saw the opportunity for food, so I followed him. I got to the bottom of the stairs and all the house lights were off. I knew I'd seen him, so I sat on the bottom step, in the dark, waiting for him. Turns out he was upstairs in bed the whole time, because he came down the stairs and asked me what I was doing. I told him I saw him come downstairs and I wanted food. He put me back in bed without a second thought. Who had I seen? Anyway, that was all to establish the kind of sensitivities that may have been present as a child. Also, there was a story my sister told my mom, about a girl standing over me while I slept when I was just hitting my teen years. "She must really like him" was how she worded it.
That same sister has realized clairvoyant capabilities, and used them to bring closure to a woman she'd never met before after the woman lost her husband. I still don't know all the details of that story. I'm going to have to compress this story, so hopefully I won't leave out any important details. I was an incredibly emotionally sensitive child, and I carried that into my teenage years, where my emotional issues almost caused me to fail a grade. I missed half my freshman school year, and almost had to go to summer school my sophomore year. I stayed in a local rehab center for depression when I was 15 years old. I was able to graduate, but then moved on to food service jobs after that. In my early twenties I experienced some minor instances of ESP. One being that I chastised the family dog with my mind, through the window of our back door, while he was in the back yard. Somebody had left their slippers outside, and he went straight for them, picking one up in his mouth. I immediately thought, as if I would have said it had I been out there, "Don't you do that! Put it down!" And he paused, lowered his head as if he had been chastised (yes, the guilt was present) and dropped the slipper. I knew he'd heard me chastise him through my thoughts.
Another occurrence was when I worked at a local retail grocery store, I'd seen an attractive blonde girl walking down the aisle I was working on. I sent my thoughts to her, saying "Hey girl, look over here". She immediately looked at me, as if she'd been called out loud. I was a bit surprised that one worked. But maybe it was all coincidence. During this same stint of time at said local grocery retail store I went through I bad break-up with the first girl I ever loved. I know she loved me because I felt it. I felt her love. I didn't find out with certainty until 2 years ago that I am a full blown empath. So it makes sense looking back, as to why my break-ups have always left deep emotional scars that I've carried for years. I'm also certain this girl is also an empath, which only added to the intensity of our love for each other. We would experience ten years of off and on again relationships after our first break-up. After the break-up, I was an emotional wreck, many times choosing to be hateful and angry, rather than hurt and vulnerable. I was working one night, sorting out the freight truck for that night out on the aisles, and I was in a foul mood, not even caring to hide it. An older lady to me at the time, maybe in her late forties, early fifties, came out of an aisle, looking for something. Not an item, but her eyes were searching, and stopped on me. She stared, looking me up and down. Finally I said, "Can I help you?" Rudely, might I add. She shook her head and walked away.
Later, my supervisor told me that specific lady was capable of seeing auras. Which leads me to believe she could do more than just see auras. She knew the emotional state I was in before she even saw me. It's why she was seeking me out. I've come to realize that my energy field is strong, and quite large. Around this time I also was experiencing some paranormal events, in that when I would try to sleep, I'd get poked and prodded, and shoved awake. I thought they were random physical spasms, but I know now they weren't. Around this time I began experimenting with LSD. I also had a history of smoking MJ throughout my teen years. Had some interesting trips on LSD, though nothing awesome enough to do it beyond a handful of times. I tried Mescaline as well, that was a real eye opener. On LSD, I called my cat to me, from another room in the house, using only my mind. My cat also shared the trip with me, leaning to the side as the floor flowed sideways. The mescaline made me a beacon of psychic energy.
I attracted an entity to me shortly after those experiences. I woke to the death stare of a dark entity. My mind was lucid, my body sleeping. The entity was positioned where I had a futon placed, as if it were lounging and casting this horrible gaze of pure dread upon me as a slept. When I woke the room was freezing cold. I moved out of the house with my girlfriend at the time (though not due to the encounter), only to return to the same house after the relationship failed, and occupying a different bedroom. It was in this bedroom that I became aware of another entity. I was in bed, having rolled over, and just woken up from an electric sensation in the air. I sensed the presence move from my bedroom window (closed) to my bed, like concentrated static. It moved over my genitals, and caused some form of electric pleasure. Over the course of a few months I experienced established communication with an entity (maybe more), rippling emotional energy from an entity that was crying, and multiple hands seeking to pleasure my body that faded upon fully waking. These encounters happened while fully awake. The hands I felt after waking, as in "What the hell is happening? Something is touching me." It was obvious to me it occurred after I was fully awake.
I've experienced OBE, Lucid dreams, and possibly astral projections. My most recent lucid dream was a couple nights ago and it was very powerful because I had total control. To the point where I was testing it, opening doors with my mind, like a jedi, and causing things to move by waving my hands. The entity I established communications with I have stayed in contact with, and there is an unbelievable sexual relationship that has been established for quite some time, going on seven years no. Spare me the warnings, as I've done enough worrying over all that, and at this point what's done is done. This relationship went dormant for a few years after some emotional trauma closed off a couple of my chakras that I seem to have just fixed in the last year or so. My focus on the chakras became important to me. My second chakra and heart chakra were closed. Now I practice aligning my chakras every night before bed. But with my body feeling healthier than it has in years, my sensitivities have increased.
A little over a year ago I suffered a nervous breakdown related to this ESP. I've always been interested in fitness and have lifted weights quite regularly for the last 3 years or so. I wanted to trim down a bit, so I started trying Intermittent Fasting, which worked wonders. But it also had a very profound spiritual affect on me. It became clear to me that I was an empath, and feeling emotions from others as if they were my own. Along with these emotions I'd receive the thoughts of others as clear as day. Many of which were judgments of my physical appearance. I am very asymmetrical, though still handsome apparently. But many of these judgement against me have led me to develop body dysmorphia, where my flaws are exaggerated in my own mind. It's torturous. The strong, confident ego I had developed collapsed completely. And I'm still struggling to pick up the pieces. I feel better after I look at myself in my phone camera, but the feeling always creeps in that I must not look right.
After leaning on my dad for support for 4 to 5 months, I moved to another city, as I had an opportunity to move in with a roommate and cut my bills in half. Now I live in an apartment complex with lots of people, and it's horrible. I never have that complete alone time that I need to recharge my batteries. I work with some pretty cool people, but they're all roughnecks. I can sense them trying to figure me out. I have good days and bad days, and on the bad days they don't understand what I'm struggling with, and I have no intentions of telling them. But I sense them, and their thoughts probing about, trying to get a feel for me. A couple of them have very strong presences. I get jealous that they get to feel grounded and solid in their identity every day, while I'm ungrounded and lack a clear definition of self. I've realized my development happening as an empath, with no emotional boundaries between me and the world of people, has resulted in such a poor sense of self that I often feel that I don't know who I am.
I've been experiencing: Ridiculously elevated levels of social anxiety, Attention Deficit Disorder (Cannot focus past the chaotic energies), Body Dysmorphia, Issues interacting with others in basic daily situations, Nervous behavior
I say nervous behavior because in public, say, getting coffee at Starbucks, I avoid eye contact, and don't want to stand near people if I have to, because I'm avoiding their energy and thoughts. It makes me look lost, like I don't know what to do with myself. Happened just the other day, and the man sitting at a nearby table thought I looked lost/didn't know what to do with myself. A lot of the issue is as soon as I receive a judgment, it throws me off my game and it's like I attempt to correct the issue they see? It throws my rhythm off completely, resulting in a catch-22 scenario. The judgment throws me off, I correct (inadvertently), and my rhythm is disrupted, resulting in more judgments and more odd behavior. I can't just be a rock of grounded identity, I'm always floating and knocked off base. I know this is a grounding issue, but I come ungrounded so easily.
Shortly after I moved I realized I wasn't ready for it, or for getting back to work. It still seems abysmal to me that somebody in my state is expected to work. I just want a cocoon somewhere. And this is coming from a guy that doesn't believe in "safe spaces". I just know a collapse of the magnitude I experienced, you don't recover from in mere months. It consisted of long bouts of depressed wakefulness and a craving for night, and the sleep that would hold off my issues for another night. Only to wake up to another dreadful day. I delved into articles on Empaths and psychic phenomena. I came across Epsom salt baths, which have helped me tremendously. Though my first Empath bath led to what felt like a laser shooting from my third eye chakra into the air ahead of me. I couldn't even look at people for fear of what I might receive. I became a hermit, and a burden to my parents, who were helping get me by financially. I started taking antidepressants, and had a small stint where I was feeling good enough that I discontinued use, only to come crashing down again this past week. I still don't think the anti-depressants really do much of anything.
My nervous system always feels wired up, like I'm connected to battery terminals. When I think about work I get anxious to the point where I could vomit, and my bowel movements haven't been solid in a week. I know this feeling will not subside because the field I'm in is pretty chaotic and there's not much routine to it. Apart from this, I get no spiritual reward from the work I do. What I have realized is that I shouldn't feel this anxiety when I think about work, or even at work. I take it as a directional life marker, saying "wrong direction". But the only draw I feel in any direction is the pursuit of sorting myself out, including my ESP. In fact, it's developing into a near obsessive pursuit, something I feel I must work through, and develop. Everything in life is a distraction taking away from the one looming issue. My growing psychic ability. This is what I need guidance for. I lack resources, but I don't mind a journey. I want a mentor, somebody that knows what's up and can teach me to use this ability at will, rather than chaotically. Only then will my life resemble anything of order. This is my purpose. I'd love to have your help.