I'm not sure what's going on, so please excuse me if I am totally wrong about this whole thing and please bear with me and read it all the way through so you guys can tell me if I am either crazy, or this is really happening. Whatever 'this' might be. Thank You.
My name is Erin, I'm about to turn 14 and these moments started when I was about 7. I'm guessing, mostly because the only ones I remember before that time aren't clear enough to be anything.
What's happening is I will go to sleep but not really sleep, it's like dozing off in class, you still hear everything going on around you, but it's like the voices and noises are real far off. And you can open your eyes and see everything but don't take anything in. When the dreams first started to happen, I tried to tell me Mom but she ignored me like she didn't hear the question. Soon I realized that I probably shouldn't be telling her this. But the dreams weren't like regular old dreams a kid should be having. They hurt, physically, emotionally and made me wonder about my own sanity.
The one I remember best is one of the most recent ones: (this is when I'm awake) I'm sitting on the basketball bleachers in a Tuttle gym because me and my team are playing in a tournament, I start to feel real funny, like anxious, but not really, it's not an emotion I have ever felt before then one of my guy friends starts to hand me his cell phone so I can see something he had written to his girlfriend that was having some issues (she was cutting and crying all the time). As soon as he handed me the phone, that anxious feeling exploded inside of me and the dream I had the night before came back to me all at once. I dropped his phone, my phone, blacked out and fell down the bleachers all at once. After I came out of the trance of seeing the dream again--it was like someone showing a movie in fast forward, but the fast forward was going like a hundred miles an hour-- I had this extremely bad headache. Almost a migraine, but not quite as bad. I felt sick and the light and sound hurt so bad I was almost in tears. I had to go into the locker rooms and lie down until our game was ready.
My eyes change from their light blue with darker spots to dark blue after every...um...episode? These happen all of the time, That one I remember because of the physical pain involved. And the fact that as soon as I touched the phone, I think I felt what the girl was feeling. Suddenly I didn't want to go home to my parents, I wanted to find a razor blade and cut my wrists in all directions and I wanted to cry in my guy friends' arms. I felt such a strong attraction to this guy it was unbearable. It made me sick to my stomach to think about it. I have felt emotions like that before, when I see someone crying and I go up to them to comfort them, they seem to see that everything is okay and I can't stomach my emotions. I'm not sure if that's relevant but...maybe.
I have so much trouble at school, because I see my dreams come out in front of me, and I try and avoid anything that might trigger a memory but it doesn't seem possible, it ends up happening one way or another.
I don't know if I am crazy or all of this stuff means something. Please be serious in your answers/comments. I need help, I need to know. This has been bothering me for years and I have ignored it all this time, but now I'm afraid to go to sleep and even more afraid to wake up. The only way I can stop it, is to (1) wear myself out so bad I don't have the energy to dream. (Which I am currently doing) Or (2) Take sleeping medicine to mess with my head so they can stop. But that was making me ill too... So I had to stop. Please I just want to know if I'm crazy or, if I'm not how to keep it from going out of control. I'm even farther from myself now then I have ever been. Am I crazy?
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Okay, gotcha. Don't do nothing that'll make 'em mad. I got kind of confused there. Thanks for everything.:)
Softball_Girl