My name is Nick. The first thing I'll say is when I was a very young child I told my mom that there was darkness in my heart. I must have been somewhere between the age of 4-6 years old. What 5 year old understands anything about darkness in their heart? Other kids my age are zoned out to cartoons while I stressing over darkness.
As far back as I can remember I have had a very difficult time dealing with unreasonable fear. I'm inclined to believe demons often follow me. I see demons in my dreams sometimes. The demons in my dreams are not red skinned pointy tail cartoon caricatures. I have seen horrible things in my dreams. One thing at a time though. Its not so bad anymore, I have learned to deal with it but sometimes its still very hard to handle. Before I go on I will say that I am perfectly sane and spend a great deal reading and working out. Anyway, I have never seen them in the physical world exactly but I can feel them walking around my room. They walk up the walls and on the ceiling, through walls and doors, other times they just appear. Like I said before though, I don't see them in the physical world but I know they are there. I can also feel their emotion. I'm not sure if emotion is the right word though. I can feel them laughing at me. Sometimes they stand next to me or over me and just look down with a wide grin on their face. This leads me into the next part of my story.
The demons I dream of often have similar features. Sometimes their eyes are red, others times their eyes are white, then other times their eyes are yellow. Their eyes always seem to glow or flare like fire. Sometimes they have only a dark shadow where their should be light other time they have very defined figures. The main features that generally are the same is their eyes, mouth, and teeth. Their eyes I already described a little but one thing I left our was that they always squint their eyes when they smile. It looks as though their eyes would be really big except for their being squinted. Like I said before they always grin. Their grin is often very wide and sometimes appears to glow kind of like their eyes. Lastly their teeth. When I have seen their teeth they have been long skinny and very sharp. Humans have dull teeth used for chewing, sharks have sharp teeth used for tearing flesh, the teeth these demons have don't make sense.
These next few experiences are kind of crazy and I'm very skeptical of their validity. When I was younger, I must have been like 13 or 14 I think. This has only ever happened one time and I know that it can be confused with a mental disorder but I know its not. I was laying in bed awake and terrified like I often did back then. I heard a voice talking to me, not a physically audible voice, it seemed to come from inside of me. It spoke to me and I replied. I don't even like saying this because it is so outrageous to me. I believe the voice was Satan and he told me that if I wanted to I could be the anti-christ. I told it that I was a child of God and Christ was my savior and that all demons and followers of demons will be cast into the lake of fire. This is the only time this has ever happened before.
I was having a dream and in the dream I saw a figure whose figure I cannot remember. It was standing on the roof of a single story building next to another figure I can't remember either. The main figure floated up off what it was standing on and descended quickly down to me grabbing me by the arm. Instantly I awoke with pressure on my arm like someone grabbed me.
This is the really weird one and it was pretty recent too, within a month. I was sleeping in the back of my car in between classes at the college I was going to at the time. I was in a half sleep state and opened my eyes and saw a black figure in the passenger seat in the same car I was in. This figure was not an illusion or one of those spots you see when you stand quickly from having been seated for a while. It was a large pitch black figure where there should not have been one. It seemed to pull away from me and hide behind the seat but I did this thing with my eyes that I learned from trying to view the aura, the focus shift thing. When I shifted my focus it was like I was forcing the figure to come back out. The thing was now in full view. Now you must understand that during this whole thing I was utterly terrified to the point that I could neither move nor speak. Furthermore I was not acting on my own will, it was like I was doing all this automatically. Now for the really weird part. After I forced the figure back in full view I growled at it and flared my teeth like a rabid dog, remember that I was not acting on my own will. After I did that the thing very quickly disappeared and I suddenly snapped to and gasped for air, I was dripping sweat.
Here's one more odd one. I often can't sleep well and will drift between sleep and a half sleep state where I can move or speak but my eyes will open. In these half states its very hard for me to distinguish between the dream world and the real world. I was laying on my bed back when I was living in the barracks and I fell asleep but in that half state not real sleep. My eyes where open while I was dreaming and I saw my room with my eyes and in my dream at the same time. I can't tell if this part was happening in my dream or in the physical world but I saw a black figure standing on top of me. It was one of those shadow figures. It was looking down at my face and smiling at me, grinning rather, just like the other ones. I don't remember how that experience ended. Every time things like this happen I can't move or speak. I have tried to speak and move before when I'm in these half states but it is impossible until I finally just snap out of it.
I have a few other experiences but I really don't want to share them because of how personal they are. One particular unspeakable happening was when I had woke up from a dream and physically felt something make contact with me, it was not pleasant.
I have always been very different from everyone iv ever met. I feel like I have no connection with this world and that I have an incredible purpose that will only be fully realized upon my physical death. I'm a zealot for things I believe in and I will die for my beliefs. I have been told I have a very old soul. The first time I heard about this old soul thing was when I was like 16 years old. For some reason things just make sense to me, thus my name "Iunderstand". I understand how things work, things about life and the human being that there is no physical explanation for how I can know them. I just think about things and things simply come to me. Its like watching puzzles put themselves together. When I was 16 my mom began talking to me like I was some kind of therapist. I have helped many people and people that know me well have a great level of respect for what I have to say. I have also been told I'm empathic. I have a separate story about my empathic experience that I wrote back when I still was wondering if I was nuts or not. I'm much more educated now about myself than I was then.
Here's the last bit. This I understand the least of all. I can feel an energy inside of me. I use this energy when I lift heavy weights and also when I am angry. I literally feel power inside me but I don't quite know how to use it. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to burst. I am capable of many great things and I know that I am separated from everybody else around me, ever sense I was young I felt like this. I also know that I have a great purpose. I long and my soul burns with passion for something I don't know anything about. It's hard for me not to hate everyone around me because I can feel their shallowness and lack of passion. I can feel the lack of something the same way I can feel something actually being there. I have learned how to deal with people a lot better now. I used to have a great level of resentment and fury for everything and everyone around me. I have spent and spend a lot of time improving myself physically and mentally. I would now like to understand the spiritual more. I have read through the whole Bible and I study all kinds of ologies and isms.
Please speak to me with intelligence and respect, I will do the same for you. I spent a long time writing this and I really tried to word everything so that it is easy to understand. One last thing please don't hate on my faith, I'm nothing like any Christian you have ever heard of or met. My mind is open.