The Sleep Paralysis

I think I have been given the opportunities to see and feel something more then with the usual senses. But I definitely wasn't prepared for it when it started to happen. I didn't understand it. I always was very sensitive, rather introvert and preferred being on my own, therefore more open perhaps. When I was an adolescent I did read a couple of books about OBE, NDE and past lives but I don't remember I have ever read about the lucid dreams and sleep paralysis. I heard about these terms for the first time only about a year ago.

Yeah, I was fascinated by all those altered states and some OBE experiences but I was very uneducated in this area, so I didn't know how to deal with it, because I didn't have it under the control; it was happening to me involuntarily. Especially the sleep paralysis were something dreadful. I was petrified I will just stay there, horrible, horrible feeling. I couldn't deal with it. When I was researching and reading about some lovely lucid dreams where one can do and feel everything beautiful and can be whatever he wants and shape his subconscious in order to influence his daily waking life I felt like it was a lie. Mine were overtaking me and I didn't feel it like the dreams at all. I wouldn't class them even as a night mares, though.

Maybe I have already mentioned I used to be depressed as an adolescent and I actually wanted to leave my body during one or two nights. I am an empath and that was supposed to be a solution to the overwhelming feelings. I think I would have never committed suicide as that seemed far too violent to me, but I was thinking about dying calmly in the sleep. I don't remember how that happened (and it was an irony) but I actually discovered something what has stopped me to take my life - those hypnotic waves and something beyond. I was fascinated by that altered state. And since then it started - I was attuning myself to it during some nights before I fell asleep even if I didn't want to or it overruled me during the sleep. I can sense many levels, I can hear many different waves and I can't understand it. There are many different states/levels/brain waves or whatever call it I am getting into and I don't know which one is which. Even if I would know I don't think I would understand myself better. I can distinguish when I am having OBE, definitely sleep paralysis, lucid dreaming when it starts and I can just watch my dream, but there seems to be a few more weird states.

I remember the one of the worst sleep paralysis I had when I was 18:

I just got from one sleep paralysis after a few dreamy attempts (as usually) to wake up and was fully awake but I could sense all those waves dragging me back there into that weird sleep, because I couldn't stop listening the throbbing of my blood in my ears and also hearing that white noise. It is like that game "think of a purple elephant" and then "don't think of the purple elephant" and only thing you can think of is a purple elephant. Same it was with those sounds, I just couldn't disconnect from them, I couldn't stop listening to them. I was fully awake and in my body but I felt how I am getting almost into trans, it was taking me back to that weird sleep. I got back there - where I was aware of my body and energy body - and then I was trying to get back to reality to woken state, to get up, to wake up because I was awake but not really awake and panicking again.

I tried to switch on the light on the wall and my hand went through the wall. Ok, so I am still not awake, I thought. I tried again after a moment when I though I actually was really awake and was trying to get up and the lamp became like a rubber, it was impossible to press the switcher. But I WAS awake, I thought! I tried again, I sat up, I was reaching for the lamp and the lamp became sticky like a chewing gum this time. Total madness. I was desperate. Then I had a feeling I am finally really awake and I went into the living room where my mum was sleeping. I tried to wake her up, but she was like some rubbery chewy dead body, which terrified me, because I have realized I am still not back, it was still a dream! (Now I am thinking - was it possible that I was in my astral body moving there but not really knowing I had no body or was it really some kind of mad lucid dream?) I didn't know what was happening then so my perceptions were different than they would be now.

When I finally got back I was a wreck. I cried and cried and my mum came to help me. She was talking to me but I remember I was just repeating 'I don't want to fall asleep ever'. I was scared I will not come back here. My mum was very open minded and understanding. I am glad she is open to all those things so she didn't drag me to see the psychologist to get some pills into me. I am very grateful for it. I can hardly imagine how I would act if anyone like me would wake me up and would be getting this crazy in the middle of night. She saw the state I was in, I was very distressed and crying, so she said, she will sleep on the floor next to my bed and will be holding my hand so I could safely fall sleep. God bless my mum!

But I got there again, very fast, this time it was more like a lucid dream state, because I didn't concentrate so much on my energy body but rather on the crazy dreams coming through which I was just observing. This actually was horror like dream - mine and my mum's body were naked and like dead in some weird positions sort of hanging from the ceiling like in the weird swings, it was happening in the room, then I 'was' in the room and trying to do backward roll in the corner near the ceiling. That actually felt like my energy body, because I could feel that energy like movement inside me. I don't get it but to me it was like a phase of a lucid dream followed by the OBE and again and at some points almost blending into each other. It has finished as a sleep paralysis and took me a while to really, really wake up. My mum was still holding my right little finger and I saved my hand from that strong hold or at least it felt like it. I could feel the weird pain in my little finger. I cried again, was agitated and pleased my mum to never hold me again, because those "dreams" were then even worse somehow violent when her energy was involved. She slept calmly during my states and she felt sorry she couldn't help me. Was I getting crazy? I felt fear. I was scared of myself. I didn't know what to do, how to normally sleep? My mum suggested I would pray. I really didn't know any prayer, so she was saying verse by verse and I was repeating it and felt better. I am not Christian but at that point I needed something bigger to believe in. Since then I BELIEVE in God but I name God differently because I didn't come through that Christian tradition, studying the bible, etc. Although my mum did. For me IT is The Creator, The love, The Loving Light, Everything what is, The Universe etc.

My mum knew I am not mad, but she advised me not to talk about it with anyone who is too down-to-earth. I mentioned this to my older friend (he was teaching me English in my country, isn't this a Coincidence? I always used to have almost a generation older friends I could talk to) and he said that my astral body is maybe too released. But I thought it was because I could hear those waves which were taking me there?

Anyway a few people I told some of my stories said it sounded like I was on some magic mushrooms. I just want to point out that I have never been taking any drugs and I feel totally sane. I am sensitive but quite analytical, too. And if I feel weird about talking about the Angels or The Light it is mainly because most people around me are complete atheists and they don't even want to believe in anything. Which I think is detrimental.

I am still occasionally having those sleep paralysis or dark energy dragging me down into the darkness when I feel a tiny bit of fear. I couldn't get out of their reach many times because the fear had paralyzed me which helped them. It almost felt like they were happy I was there, they were like waiting, taking energy off me. They were touching me, they were all around me, overwhelming me and they were very heavy and dark. A few times I actually felt how they touched or strongly viciously grabbed my face or my hands and it felt very real. (Thinking about it now, maybe some of them just wanted my attention, but my fear stopped me to help them?) I also somehow realized if I would ever commit suicide I could be there, in that heavy darkness, in the no-where space and waiting, forever stuck on that level. I believe there are many energies sort of lost and I am afraid they want my help. I feel extremely sorry for them, especially those who took their own lives, but I don't feel strong enough myself, yet. (I can't believe I am actually writing this, because I know everyone "normal" would want to get me into the straitjacket and subscribe medication...!)

Could it be that when someone gets more aware of his astral body but it happens during or in between the phases of lucid dreaming he is actually sort of released from the body but because he doesn't know about it, is still in or very near his body and can be more susceptible towards the lower astral level...? That level tends to be darker, heavier and that's why we can be or feel more endangered. We didn't want it, we don't understand it. We are less prepared than experienced astral travellers who just consciously lift their energy up and get off the body. It could be like a metaphor for a spiritual growth? Going from the physical body to astral body and we need to lift up through the heaviest energy level (bad one) and go up towards the light. I was there somewhere in some plane many times, experiencing paranormal things, other beings and not feeling in a charge of it at all.

I know the fear is the worst enemy ever plus we are un/fortunately personally responsible for it, for the negative thoughts causing it, which makes me think - why did the fear appear in the first place? Why does the fear exist? Why do people have fear, I mean generally? Is it because we went through something, regardless it was from the past lives or this life? Or could it be some general info from the collective consciousness we are getting? That's why we have fears? Do we need to fear at all?

I apologize for the length again.

Thank you for reading.

Love and blessings

Marci