Namaste,
Although it says to avoid saying you need help, I feel that I do, and are not sure where to turn.
When I was a child, I would frequently get high fevers that made me delirious at times. So high, in fact, that at 2yrs old, I nearly crossed over. Everyone in the family remembers the night I was talking to God, telling him I was going 'home with him.'. I don't remember this, but my father was told by a voice to check on me (he has clairaudience, but refuses to do anything with it).
Throughout my life, I've experienced things outside what society would recall normal, but only lately have they overwhelmed me. I would dream of things happening before they did, people that crossed, giving me messages, dreams of childhood homes that had a spirit to them, hearing my name called, or voices that no one heard, that sort. Even now, the premonition and ghost dreams feel radically different than my other dreams. I KNOW it's them. My sis and I would play a game, seeing if I could sense what she was thinking, and I was always right. I saw nasty beings in my closet and basement, and to this day, I have a fear of the dark and night. I know it is a beautiful time, my Goddess Moon, and spirits will come in the day, too, I am working on it. I was always dubbed as the sensitive one; I could feel everyone's pain, and wanted to help everyone. I knew, and still know when what people say does not match their words. My family has a history with these things, and it was normal to us.
Then, there was a period when I can't recall any occurrences, either the empathy got too much, or I shut down. There where a lot of things that hurt my spirit, then I became ill. For 12 yrs, I've been in and out hospitals, etc., with chronic conditions. I won't bore everyone with the details, but I was diagnosed with stage IV Endometriosis, severe Intersitial cystitis, and fibro. MY ear drums both busted when I had mono 10yrs ago, and I thought my ear issues were from that, but the more I read. I don't think so. I also had a head injury that seemed to open the flood gates 3yrs years ago, too. My hearing is VERY sensitive, like too many sounds at once makes it hard to concentrate, or loud noises make me shrink into myself. Beyond that, I can hear faint voices when I falling asleep. Like conversations just out of my range. The side of my head tingles, and there is pressure. Then, there is ringing and buzzing, and other things no one else hears. Songs, voices, hints appear in my head that pertain to the situation at hand from nowhere. And the migraines. None tell me to do harmful things, or tell me I'm 'winning,', so I am sure it is not a mental disease. I did hear a not so friendly male voice, once though.
I don't want to drone on, but I want to give a clear picture. When I read the empathic descriptions-it is me exactly. My living situation is toxic, and it effects my health. I'm afraid I will never get better, dealing with everyone's emotions, on top of my pain and emotions! It feels like a flood, like I'm being hit. I can't watch the news, or I'll never leave fetal position! When my mom is upset, I cry; dad yells, then I'm angry, but I know that it's not me. I can't stress how severe it's been. My mom wants me to leave it alone, though. There has been more psychic activities, paired with the diseases, and I've reached a breaking point.
I had a violent dream of someone famous-ish committing suicide, only to wake up and see it online. A dream of my niece of a car wreck, then the next day, I'm sure you can guess. I can feel things in my house, although I set up protections and did banishing rituals. I don't see things with my visual eye, it feels like my third, or when I close my eyes. I saw a very harmful, scary image of a girl in my basement 2wks ago. She screamed in my face. I believe she was attracted to the negative energy from my parents arguing, and I somehow missed her. I don't feel she was ever human, but I got scared, and immediately banished/had my totems chase her out. My parents freaked. They recall me seeing things as a child, and the stories, but can't handle this. I'm 28 btw, but have been unable to live on my own. Then, 2 nights ago, I saw a male spirit walking through the house at night, clearly talking loud. No one else heard. Yes, I cleared the house as best I can, call my guides, etc.
I don't always protect myself as I should, and the symptoms/gifts/traits have been getting stronger. Half of me is excited/blessed, and wants to learn, and feels like this is what I am supposed to do. The other half that is also getting sick of the empath stuff and dealing with others issues, the endo and cystitis are flaring and very painful (stress is a trigger), and family drama. Honestly, I feel very depressed, and cannot figure out how to live with this pain. I don't want on drugs, I am afraid I will lose touch with my gifts, and it won't solve the diseases, anyway. I feel lonely and helpless. Before the head injury, I could feel the Goddess and my guides, now I can't. I really need help.
Am I crazy? Is everything in my head, the physical pain too? I know I am not evil, so please don't give me that. I don't know how to deal with all these issues without family support. Somewhere in me, I feel I need to honor what She gave me. I've wanted to hone them for years, but the other stuff makes it difficult. Going into crowds is torture, feeling everything, but my house is more stressful. I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Please, I don't need nasty comments, or Jesus-y commands. If my guides are here, I can't feel them. I know my totems, but only see them in the Otherworld. I can't stress how down I feel. I feel restless and lost. I don't mean to dump on everyone else, I have no one to tell these things to.
Half of me feels like I could be am amazing healer, the other just wants to give up.
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