For as long as I can remember, I've felt like I don't belong. Doesn't matter what or with whom, I always feel like I don't fit, that I'm supposed to be somewhere else.
For as long as I can remember, strange things have been happening to me.
It takes everything I have to be able to write this, in the hopes of finally being understood, rather than mocked. It's, by all means, my last hope.
I'm 20 years old, ever since I was little I have been able to see and/or feel things around me. It started with the sparkles, they're everywhere. Sort of what I recently found to be called Visual Snow, but it often comes in colors. Whenever it's dark I can see things, I feel things that aren't there, and rather often I feel observed.
Then it's the Flow, at least that's what I call it. It's like a constant stream of energy flowing from my right hand. If I focus I can feel it in colors different types of energy that I somewhat seem to be able to control. I feel intense hand pains whenever this flow is not released somehow. I don't fully understand the use of it, or if it has any use at all. But I feel that's there's so many things I could be doing, and I don't know how to explain it, but I feel limited and don't know why...
And the most important reason I decided to write this. The fact like I feel something's missing. It's there all the time. Like I should be a part of something bigger, but something blocks me from it. For example, I can feel presences around me all the time, but they always seem to dissapear when I look straight at them. I can only perceive them barely, sometimes, from the corner of my eye. And then they're gone. I try, but I've only been able to see this optical manifestations a few times in my life. But I feel them all around me. A pressing feeling all around me, all the time. I have this with me constantly, like I'm being kept from the truth. And it's so frustrating.
Things have happened to me before, but I've never been able to reproduce them again. My biggest feat was the transporting of an object (my cellphone) to my pocket. I knew it was hidden somewhere in my house. And I was at the supermarket. I know that I it wasn't in my pocket before, and I just thought of it. And there it was. I feel so stupid telling this. I've rewritten it 7 times already. I need answers, I need help. I feel like I'm not even explaining it properly. Like I shouldn't post this at all. But I'm desperate.
Today I felt like I was so close. I saw eyes staring at me from the darkness. Bright and orange. Plenty of them. I felt the wind rustling in unusual ways. I felt like I was so close. And then nothing. Maybe I'm just insane. Maybe none of this is real. But I need to know if there's an answer somewhere. I need to know.