I'm an agnostic 21 year old girl who usually has a reasonable mind and scientific thought process, but I've seen enough strange things that I do believe in the presence of things that are unexplained or supernatural. Over the years, I've always felt like there were things just beyond my field of vision that have been vying for my attention. There are certain rooms, places, or areas that I love or abhor and I'm not sure why. There's this one particular spot in my basement where I feel like I'm being watched. Whatever is in that area seems to be drawing me in and begging for me to touch it or find it, but every time I get closer, I become really uneasy and want nothing more than to run away. One time, the feeling was particularly strong and it made me feel dizzy and nauseated. I haven't lived in this house long, but this feeling really frightens me because it's so similar to something I experienced as a child.
Between the ages of five and eight, I was especially interested in exploring. I used to live on a farm and I was rarely supervised, so I would just wander around and examine "artifacts" (anything I could manage to find in the tall grass or dig out of the dirt) and pretend I was a great scientist. There were some broken down buildings on the property that I wasn't supposed to go near, but I would sneak into them sometimes to see what was inside. The air inside felt stale, yet charged with some kind of anger mixed with dread and anticipation. As soon as I entered, I wanted to leave, but sometimes I felt like something was holding me there and I couldn't move. Usually, I would feel like this until I could perceive another living thing near me. Then, it seemed to break a sort of unspoken spell and I came back to my senses and could leave again. Even though it scared me, I seemed to be addicted to going into those places.
I've seen other people on this site describe these tiny lights they've seen as "sparks." I didn't see them often, but sometimes in the middle of the night, they would seem to be dancing on my ceiling. Every once in a while, violet sparks would seem to be floating around my dog's head. Sometimes I would see a few sparks of various colors weaving slowly under the shade of trees. I'm not sure if anyone else has ever had this, but I used to also get the feeling that there were sounds that were just beyond my hearing that would manifest as a soft, high-pitched humming or ringing in my ears. It could have just been tinnitus, but it seemed to only happen when I was alone and was always accompanied by the feelings I got when I was in those collapsed buildings. It felt like something was trying to speak to me, but I just couldn't understand it no matter how hard I tried.
Several times, especially as a young adult, I've had that horrible sleep paralysis where you slowly become conscious, but you can't move your physical body. Usually, I can sense my astral body (or whatever it is that's still awake while my body is asleep) and I can move my arms and legs slowly as if I'm pushing them through a thick fluid, but I can sense that my physical body is still frozen in the dead weight of deep sleep. I can always somewhat "see" or otherwise perceive my surroundings, but they seem to be murky and clouded until I actually wake up and open my eyes. Sometimes, I've tried to call out, but the most I've ever managed was a muffled groan once right before I woke up. It seems to happen more often or more severely when I'm naked, sick, drunk, or (sorry if this is too personal) on my period. It seems like whatever causes the paralysis targets me especially when I'm caught off guard or at my most vulnerable.
The worst time was when I was laying on my back in bed and I "looked" up and saw a black orb hanging directly over my head. I had a deep dread of it and immediately knew that it was the thing holding me there. I felt like it was trying to rip my astral body out of me, but I "held" on tightly and "kicked" my non-physical legs as much as I could until I wrenched myself awake. Whenever I struggle wildly like that and force myself back into my body, there seems to be a slight ripping feeling somewhere deep inside me, maybe in my chest or my head. Sometimes it's accompanied by a strange electrical sound, like the weird zapping or squealing noise it makes when you suddenly rip the cord out of an electric guitar connected to an amplifier. If you're not familiar with that sound, this is the most similar thing to it that I've ever heard. Https://youtu.be/C7Reij_AMMc?t=2m3s
After realizing that doing something like that must be really bad for me, I've practiced meditation and mindfulness in my waking life in the hopes that this sort of practice would coax my unconscious self into peacefully floating back into my body rather than panicking. It's seemed to be effective. The last few times that I seemed to have trouble getting back into my body, I just relaxed and focused on the thought of my sleeping body and gently fell back into it and woke up.
Last night wasn't the worst incident by far, but it did make me more uneasy than I've been about this whole thing in years. The paralysis hadn't happened for a long time until last night, so I was almost daring to hope that I was done with it all. When I started to wake up last night, though, there was a voice that seemed to speak intimately to me, like it had known me personally for years and felt some affection for me, but also wanted to manipulate and possibly hurt me. It sounded similar to the voice of a controlling spouse or abusive parent. It said deliberately, like it was making sure that I would hear it and remember even after I woke up, "We'll always be with you. We will never leave you." It especially scared me because it won't be long until I move away again, so it was like the voice knew this and was reminding me that no matter how far away I am, there's nowhere I can go that it/they won't follow.
Sorry for all the long explanations, but now that that's out of the way, here come the questions.
Have I damaged something by wrenching my astral self back into my body in the past?
Is my unconscious self deliberately astrally projecting and then having trouble returning to my body or is there something that is continually trying to pull me out of my body?
Is it good or bad that, in my waking life, I now try to ignore or divert my attention away from seemingly supernatural things?
What might possibly be in my basement that wants me to find it, but seems to nauseate me every time I try?
What or who is this thing that seems to want to be with me forever and possibly hurt or control me?
Am I being cursed or haunted?
Any kind of response to any of these questions would be infinitely helpful. I've been looking for answers to all these questions for years, but I've been too apprehensive to directly ask anyone. Thank you so much for your time and understanding.
I hope this helps! I would love to hear an update if you figure this whole mess out. Good luck! 😜