Feelings, thoughts. Are they mine? Am I thinking of this or is she? Is what I'm feeling in my chest mine or hers?
Why do I feel it's her? Logically it doesn't make sense, yet somehow I know deep down it's not just me. How did this happen? How is this even possible?
These are the questions that I'm wrestling with and the reason for my inquiry, so if you can help me please send me some guidance.
So here's the story,
I'm in a long term relationship and I'm happy, but I decided one day to reach out to an old co-worker I liked as a friend. I'll admit I was attracted to her, not because of her looks but because she was also a lot of fun, besides my social circles were becoming stale and/or non-existent lately and I was longing for something more. Although I don't know what possessed me to contact her directly, it seemed like a good idea at the time and so I took a risk and she was happy to oblige.
We hit it off early on and really enjoyed each other's company there was no 'magic' or instant connection between us at first, besides the odd feeling of knowing seconds before she would text me.
Our meet ups became more regular, a weekly affair and eventually I started developing feelings. I was honest with her, I didn't want a relationship just wanted to be friends, I feared the connection for a myriad of reasons, and I told her I wanted to take some time off, she agreed reluctantly.
Month or so later I reconnected (convinced I was now over her); she was excited to see me again so was I.
But this last meeting was like no other, the the chemistry was electric, during the early period of the night I felt something as if I was hit with a ball of Love/happiness (I don't know how else to explain it, nor do I know if it came from her) it was as if it jolted through me and instantly I was happy in bliss and all my personal walls and insecurities fell off, I became a different person without a care in the world and got lost in the conversation, laughs and connection. It was like nothing I've felt before, as if there was a sense of unity. Even as she explained to me her new relationship I was not caught up in jealousy or malice but genuinely happy for her and her new journey.
However, what happened the weeks and days after our dinner together is where things got real strange. For weeks after I felt a myriad of emotions, from love, happy, anger, and even sadness. Yet I could not explain it, it was as if these emotions were not of my making, but these waves of emotions from outside would hit me. There was a sense of happiness but also knowledge of futility in our relationship and acceptance to move on, I understood and accepted it as I knew that despite our connection, we could not move forward. I was happy to experience such a night, but also sad as if I was holding her back.
I began to learn and soul search due to these experienced, and worked on myself, her affection towards me revitalized my own beliefs of myself and I started to love myself more and other people. Eventually these powerful emotions subsided but it's something I've never experienced before. I often question what it meant, or if it was all just in my head, or if there was a real connection.
I haven't seen this person in a month, we've talked and set up another meeting but it always gets delayed, I have a feeling she is creating distance, and I feel I understand why, I think maybe the connection scared her off. Again I cannot confirm this and I truly cannot know without talking to her, but It's a feeling I've had and I accepted it. Besides, the deep connection is now no longer active or as strong as it used to be, I feel empty now sometimes devoid of any emotion.
Even thought we are supposed to meet again soon, I feel that things will be different and might even be awkward.
What does this all mean? Was there really a connection, have you heard of anything like this? Am I really feeling what she's feeling or am I totally off base, I just want to know I guess for my own sanity. What is going on? Was this a Spiritual Connection, soulmates, or something else, or even nothing at all.