I will start from the beginning as clear as I can. As a preface, I have little to no knowledge about a lot of these topics mentioned on this site. I come to you hoping for answers, guidance, and education.
As a child:
I was very self aware, about the world and the cosmos than a regular child would be. I understood things that I hadn't been taught. I lived very far into the country and a forest was my back yard. I was very in touch with nature and felt compelled to sing to the moon at night, and not in English, though I only speak English. Which is just strange to me but perhaps it's more than that? I saw my first spirit (or energy as I like to refer to them as) around the age of 5 or 6. I had just came home from school, expecting my siblings or mother to there. I called out to anyone, but no response. I saw something out of the corner of my eye dash into my mothers room, and I laughed and spoke to whom I was assuming my brother that I saw him. I followed after my "brother" and as I came into the room. A small boy peered into the next doorway and hid behind the frame. I rushed to see who it was, but he was gone. And I was alone. I hid in my closet for hours. Through out this era, until I was about 12, I saw shadows often, feelings that I needed to run. A urge to cry when I felt strong energies near.
It's worth mentioning my father died when I was 9, and I was forced out of adolescence. My "gift" grew stronger after being confronted with death.
The next larger experience I had was at 12. We had moved homes, this one was older and larger and had a different, darker vibe. One night, I was sleeping in my room. I awoke because my MP3 played a strange song. When I turned over in my bed, I saw a large, dark figure immerging from my window. Which was near impossible because I had an ac unit in it, and it was 2 stories up. Nevertheless, I saw it. I shut my eyes, not believing it was real. When I opened, it was more immerged than the last. I kept shifting between shutting my eyes and opening them. Eventually this figure was in my room. 5 feet from my bed. I wanted to scream but I didn't want to be attacked. I pretended to sleep, facing the other direction. I could feel this energy standing over me. It was dark, it felt like static to me. I pretended to sleep until I was sure it was fading, and I witnessed it exit out of my window again. I screamed. My parents came into my room, but they are not very open minded about anything, so I told them it was a bad dream and just asked them to turn on the light. I cried all night. Energies kept appearing, always.
I suppressed this as much as I could.
Fast forward. I'm 15. We moved across the country.
The first house we lived in after moving was so strange. I constantly envisioned a man at the end of the stairs. Watching me. Following me. I saw him smile at me, and terrified I ran to my room and locked the door. The handle rattled, and I heard a breathing on the other side. This went on the entire time we lived there. Not to mention I was sick. Constantly. The doctor informed me my lungs were shutting down due to an unknown environmental factor. I was very heavily medicated and don't remember much of this year.
We moved houses again, I\'m sleeping in my room, it's roughly 3am. I keep hearing the garage door open and slam shut. The radio in the garage is blasting. I'm incredibly annoyed because I assumed this was my stepdad, being a inconsiderate jerk. I hit the wall a few times out of anger and yelled be quiet! A few moments later. The wall was hit hard. And I mean HARD. It shook and I thought the entire garage shelving had fallen. Annoyed, and a bit scared I went to sleep. The next morning I was informed by my mother only she, who was on the opposite side of the house, and I were the only ones home last night.
I reached the age of 16. It was a hard time for me. I had moved out and was facing the world on my own for the first time. I felt this constant need to explore the gift I had suppressed for so long. I seeked out a metaphysical store near me, and learned about crystals. They seemed perfect. I needed good energies. A bit after learning of crystals I found myself drawn to a certain stand in this large event. The merchant was selling crystals, pendulums, etc. I felt immediately drawn to a pendulum. I purchased it. It was so foolish because I was completely uneducated about how to use it and what for. I didn't even cleanse it. I assumed it was for communicating with spirits.
This night, I used it. Eagerly. I have instruction for what meant yes and no. I wasn't alone in that room. I spoke with it, asking stupid, personal questions. It was freezing. I was astonished. I ran to the other room to get my friends. They witnessed me communicating. I could tell this spirit was lying to me. About everything and was obviously dark. After saying goodbye, I felt like it was attached to me. It was so heavy. Weighing on my shoulders. The cat, was on my lap and wouldn't stop hissing at whatever was in front of me. I had to call someone for help. I rid myself of the energy by asking for protection, and throwing the pendulum between two crossroads.
This expieriance terrified me. I suppressed. Hard. Up until 6 months ago.
One of my closest friends, Matt, had been murdered. I was a wreck. Inconsolable.
It had only been a few weeks, and in the middle of the night a few friends called me for help. They were using an ouija board and wanted me to come over because they were scared. I don't know why, but I felt drawn to help them.
The spirit they were communicating with, "John" said that he wasn't the only one in the room. He said that the other spirit came with me. I was scared, thinking it was the one from the pendulum. But it wasn't. It was Matt. His energy was light and pure and he knew things only he would know. All he wanted was for me to smile. I was crying at this point, asking if he had a message for his mom or anyone else. He didn't, he said because they wouldn't understand. I told him how strong his mom and brother had been. And asked if he liked his casket (his casket was covered in skateboard stickers and messages from his friends) I felt happy those following days. I could feel him with me every where I went.
Matthew was the only good light I ever experienced from the other side. I want to help. I want to use this gift I have now that I know it can be used for good. But I don't know how. I'm so lost and afraid when I experience them. Please help me.