First off, this is a really long article. This is the first time I am writing about my experiences and It turns out there is a lot I want to share.
Last year I had an experience that made me realize that I have an ability, and that I needed to acknowledge it. I have always been able to read most people pretty much in an instant. I can tell how they are feeling and what their energy level is. I can tell the relationship dynamics immediately when I see multiple people together. I can also tell if a person is good with pure energy or bad, with bad flow, with a wandering spirit (not necessarily bad, just in need of help or rest) or with a tendency/desire to inflict pain on others. The energy always has an impact on me, wether positive or negative but I am very vulnerable to the negative energy and I get very exhausted being around people in general. The people with bad energy cannot hurt me by intentionally trying to hurt me, but the very experience of being in their presence and feeling their energy takes a huge toll on me. I also get a sense of general energy from cities/towns/villages, buildings, places, houses, anywhere really- and cannot be in certain places for too long because it affects me too much.
At the same time I love people and I am very social. I think I have a very bright side and most people tend to focus on that and probably have the impression that I am happy go lucky but in reality I need to balance each social moment with a moment of solitude. I periodically find that I need to retreat and be alone for some amount of time to reset. Only the people closest to me know that I am sensitive in this way, I think probably because I decided from a young age that it was easier to mask it- although I don't know if that is actually helping me.
Anyway the experience I am talking about is actually a recurring one. It first happened when I was maybe 15? I was commuting a very long commute to school on the train, 2 hours each way- and it happened on the train on my way to school one morning. I had basketball practice before classes so I had left on the first train, so it was maybe 6am or something- and There were only a few people in the car and I was sitting in a corner. The train doors opened and a person in a gray hoodie came in. I actually don\'t know if it was a gray hoodie, I just remember a general colorless impression. I remember looking at his face but not actually being able to percieve it. It was like when you try to remember how something looked but you can't, except it was happening as I was looking at him. He came and sat down next to me, leaving maybe 20-25 inches between us, and I caught his smell- it was the smell of tobacco, the kind that has seeped into a person's skin from years of smoking and spending time in spaces filled with smoke- But when I caught that smell, I understood in an instant that this person was broken, sick, to the point that he is almost not human, if that makes sense. I felt and understood in that moment that he would do anything, kill or rape, I don't know, if things came to that. I wanted to get off the train but I was terrified and was unable to stand. I was shaking, but I supressed it to a quiver, because I had also understood that if this man found out that I knew what he was, He would do somthing to me.
To hide what I was feeling, I took out my phone and started playing tetris to distract myself. It really helped- as more people got on the train his energy was diluted, which also helped, but when the man finally got off at his stop I was released from this sense of peril. I felt nauseous though for a long time and for a few days recalling the incident made me feel sick. It was such a strange experience but I sort of decided to forget about it.
But it kept happening after that. It has only happened 4-5 times since then, but every time I encounter someone in that kind of sick, broken state, I feel nauseous and sometimes unable to move. I know it may sound crazy but I know in my gut that it's real and that what I understood about these people were true. Last summer was when I had this experience again, but it was very intense this time. I was away on a job accompanying a group of boy scout kids as a guide/translator on a week-long trip. We were staying in the countryside, and I took a walk at dusk with another guide, a guy I had become friends with. We walked towards the mountainside and there was a tunnel at the end of the path, and my gut was telling me not to go through it- but I was still in denial of my senses and chose to ignore this feeling and we continued. On the other side of this tunnel was a sort of broken down garage area where there were car parts lying around, and a repair shack or something. We kept walking and we found two people on the other side of the shack in their work clothes, one lady and one younger guy, just standing and watching us. When I looked at the younger guy's face and saw his eyes, I knew he was broken and sick inside. They were black and empty, and reminded me of beetle eyes or something. I felt really threatened and nauseous. His energy was inside of me and it was horrible. He was glaring at us, but my friend as I found out was completely unaware, unreceptive to this kind of stuff, and that saved me. We went along chatting as if nothing was wrong and just passed them by. I dared not look back.
We returned from our walk and said good night, and I went back to the room I was sharing with the other female guides. I still felt sick and was quiet for a while, but I knew one of the girls was also sensitive so I told her. She said she had noticed something was wrong and she offered to wash me with salt that she was carrying, and put some scented oil from the amazons that she happened to have on her. Apparently she had just visited a shaman there, which would have sounded stereotypical and crazy to the me before then but in that moment I was so, so grateful to have her there and felt myself finally recognizing that I need to acknowledge these things. I felt better after she washed my hands and arms and neck, and she told me that what I have is real and that I have to learn to shield myself. I haven't really found a good source where I can read up on it and I am still unsure how to approach it all. This site has taught me that what I am is an empath.
I want to be able to harness this thing that I have and use it as an ability rather than have it be a burden. How can I do this? I feel that my psyche is very confused and it is unharnessed at the moment, I need help and direction. In moments of clarity and focus I have been able to do good with this.
The biggest example of being able to harness this and make a positive impact, was last winter when my father passed away from cancer. When he passed, all of us family were there. We stayed at the hospital the last two nights of his life. The second night, I knew he was going to pass. We were taking shifts staying with him through the night and during my shift I was singing to him with my sister and suddenly I knew he was going to go. I understood he was leaving me in charge of this final moment. The room was filled with a tranquil peace and I understood that he wanted to pass in this peace and he was sort of asking me to see that it was maintained. His pulse declined very steadily and I quietly gathered the other family members as we continued to sing. I know each of us played our part in creating the peace and I don't want to sound cocky but I felt I had harnessed the moment. He passed in this atmosphere of perpetual peace and love that we all created together and I was so happy I was able to play a role in that moment to send him off properly. It was profound. I want to learn more and be able to do good, instead of fearing this ability. What do I need to do? Who can I talk to?