It might have started around a younger age but my parents and I just marked it as adolescent behavior and mood swings. Now, I'm 17 years old- I'll be turning 18 on July 9th, and I've been well out of that moody, teenage phase since I turned 15. I understand that maybe it is normal to be moody every so often as every gender does. However, it came to my attention that during this year while I was exposed to more death than usual (death seems to pick the oddest times to come). I picked up on a few interesting signs of this odd and despairing ability, but one of the major signs was the patterns that my mood seemed to take on before the deaths occurred.
Sometimes, like with my mom dying on the operating table only to be revived, my mood shifted gradually. When weeks turned to days before the surgery, I got the feeling that I always hated- unexplained despair, helplessness and anxiety. I felt antsy. I could barely concentrate even on a high dose of my ADD medication.
I was missing my sleep, I felt like I was full of so much excess energy, yet at the same time I felt this expectation from my mind. It was waiting for my body to finally start feeling tired, but no matter how much sleep I missed or how long I lay in bed, I felt adrenaline and nothing else.
The morning she went in, I was almost in a state of what I call 'Sai Freeze'. It's when your spirit or 'sai' is giving off a numbing, almost physically cold aura. It was like my spirit was in paralysis and it was like that for most of the day, up until about 4 or 5. Strangely, I had no idea my mom had actually died on the operating table and had been dead for several minutes. Nobody would tell me and my brothers anything because they thought we wouldn't handle it properly. The day after that day, I felt like I was recovering from a mild hangover. I remember that my room felt less claustrophobic and that even my lamp seemed so much brighter than it had been recently.
Eventually, we were told everything that happened to our mother and the moment I was told it, I was more in shock about what happened and was too preoccupied with helping my mom nurse back to health.
But now, a few months after that, my Aunt Linda passed away. She died on Wednesday at 3 something in the morning and I had been talking nervously with my mom all Tuesday night about how something felt wrong and how I could not sleep and how I could not concentrate and I was talking to her about spiritual things for some reason- it seemed like something interestingly random at the time so I brought it up but I had no idea why I was so desperate to hear what she thought about it all, but who isn't interested by death? It's interesting.
I had to take an allergy pill (the heavy duty kind) because I was starting to feel feverish and I was getting uncharacteristically depressed for no apparent reason. I was thinking of suicide, I was coughing and feeling hot flashes- the hot flashes and cold flashes had been occurring gradually more frequent as the week went on and it was really bad that night. I checked the clock and it was about 1:45 and I kept tossing and turning. I felt like my room was way too hot, I was unbearably sick to my stomach. I eventually got back up and went online and wrote into the "ask.com" search engine the words "Why Do I Want To Die?" and because of my ADD, I forgot to press the search button and went onto something else.
Eventually, I went to bed- and barely got the laptop back into its usual place up above my dresser. I fell into a nightmare-ridden, light sleep and was awake by 4:32. I got up, feeling hungry and decided to get some chow- also because my throat and mouth were desert dry and it smelled like morning breath. I got my food, ate it all in front of the t.v. And turned it off and went back to bed. I was too tired to note the fact that I had no more phantom pains, I was no longer depressed or suicidal, I was rid entirely of any more hot/cold flashes and my room cleared up again like it did after my mom's situation. I went back to bed as easily as I had awakened and I had no more dreams this time around. I woke up a second time around 7 and I went online and I was right away faced with my last Ask. Com search and that was the question that I had for some reason been feeling so strongly the previous night... "Why Do I Want To Die?"
When my friend Amanda died in a car crash on December 16th- I had been feeling so depressed and suicidal. I had been withdrawn. My room had felt like a cage or a jail cell. It seemed dimmer and smaller than normal and I felt like I was falling ill with some serious, unknown disease. I was getting physical symptoms of the flu without getting better and without it getting worse. My mom thought I was being a hypochondriac and be one as I may sometimes be- I never go that long with my 'sick phase'.
The longest my 'sick phase' lasts is about 4 days- tops.
I had been sick for two weeks and had been unable to go to my job because of how crippling this effect was on me. A week or so before Christmas actually came around, I bounced back with renewed vitality and I was suddenly back to the old, regular me again. I had not found out about Amanda's death until a month later. I stopped going to her school a year or so ago and I did not think much of it because I didn't see my friends from my old school as much as I had when I went to the school. I was so horrified by the news, but for some reason death never really affects me like it does other people. I get sad for a little bit but an hour later- maybe three at the most- I'm back in a good mood and I've already gotten over it entirely. Now, I know that's not really the most normal reaction a person has towards the death of loved ones... But I've always been like that for some reason.
I see death as nothing terrible. It comes and it goes but it never stays forever. It may take loved ones away but there's always someone to love left in the world and why should you forget about all the rest of your loved ones just because one loved one is now gone? I could never do that to the people close to my heart.
My question is
ONE: What do you think about this? Do you think I can foresee death or do you think these are all just coincidences?
TWO: Why do you think I have this ability? What am I supposed to do to help others with it?
THREE: How can I stop this from overwhelming my life? It can take weeks for the person to die and the entire time, I'm sick as a dog and getting worse until that day comes. How can I prevent this or is this just all coincidence and it has nothing to do with me being able to foresee death?
Tell me what all of you think!
I would really, really appreciate it! Thank you so much!
Best wishes to you all!