I was in an abusive relationship with a boy (I will NOT call him a man) a year older than me, through my freshman and sophomore year in high school. He would abuse me verbally, calling me any rude, demeaning name he could think of, also physically; throwing me into walls, kicking me, hitting me, holding knives to my throat, and finally sexually. We all know what that means: rape, etc. Well one of these times, he got me pregnant, and most definitely did NOT mean to. I love children, more than anything. I can't wait to have a child of my own! And he took this away from me. I knew he could still get to me to hurt me no matter what I did, but for some reason, I thought he wouldn't notice that I was pregnant (after a couple weeks so) and I went back to his house. Mind you; some days, he was so sweet, and then he'd just SNAP. Anyway, he always talked about how much he wanted a child when he was in a good mood, so I figured even if he found out, he wouldn't hurt the child. Who can hurt a helpless baby? Well, he can.
I went to his house, thinking we were safe (we being me and my child) and for the first few times we were. But then he realized that I wasn't getting my period. I was 4-7 weeks pregnant, I'm pretty sure it was 6 or 7. So he acted ok at first then, wham, he caught me off guard and punched me in the stomach a good 4 or 5 times. This caused me to lose my baby. I had this strong, crazy strong feeling that I was carrying a little girl. I just knew it, I guess it's a mother thing? Right? But anyway, I could just tell, and god even after those few short weeks I loved that baby more than words could describe. This was at the end of my sophomore year, I believe. I can't really remember the dates I was pregnant, I can barley remember the month, which makes me feel so horrible, but I erased it from my mind I guess. Just more of what I got rid of from my past trauma with that guy. So anyway, I want to speak to my child, or see her (I'll say her only because I'm sure it was a her.) I feel as though she's safe, with my family that has already passed, and I just, I don't know. Also, I feel almost like she's older? Like when she passed she became an age where she could at least communicate, ect. Does that really happen? I feel like I can see her and how she would look and like it's REALLY her. But I need help, even if it's someone else contacting my baby PLEASE someone help me, and give me this opportunity. I need this to erase my guilt, to know she's safe for sure, and to let her know she isn't alone. Please help me here :) It'd be so appreciated.