I am a soldier currently in Iraq where things are more dangerous than they talk about anymore. The stress has been bad, but I'm more scared than ever because things that I dealt with as a kid are starting to happen again. In order for you to help me, because I do need help, I need describe the things that I have seen. I am doing this, because if anyone else has experienced the same, as is not in a dangerous stressful environment, then maybe it's not the stress and maybe I'm not crazy.
I worry about being crazy because of the stuff that I experienced as a child. My mom has what the family calls a gift, meaning she dreams about things before they happen. There's a lot of stuff that I don't really believe in, but we cannot deny that she has this gift. But People called my mom crazy because when she was pregnant with me, she said things would fly off the shelves and her bed would violently shake around the room and sometimes even hover off of the floor. She finally became so embarrassed that she stopped talking about it altogether.
When I was born, my mother said I was a cranky, angry, emotional baby. I honestly can't say, I don't remember.
One of my earliest memories is at age 3. I was sleeping on the couch and woken up by a set of beads sliding across the floor like train and they made the sound of a train also: "Choo Choo." I told my mom and she called me crazy.
This was just the beginning of strange things that made me feel like a crazy person. At age 5 I developed extremely bad rage issues from out of no where, almost demonically violent. I still don't know why. We went to see the fire works with the church. I was standing next to water at the river walk and heard a splash. And a head came up from the water with big yellow eyes and a yellow small cluster of tentacles for where the mouth should've been and it just looked at me as it floated in the water away. I told everyone and said I was crazy.
We moved into a house that we were pretty sure was haunted. We'd hear singing in the attic and things would fly around. I was laying in my bed and it started to shake and slide across the floor. This is the first time my family acknowledged something paranormal the same time as I was experiencing it. My brother and I shared a bed and he told me to stop. I told him it wasn't me. I looked up under the bed and there was this glowing bright green light shining beneath it.
Then around age 6, we lived in a big house. I remember being on the second floor and stepping into the closet but it didn't lead into the closet. It led into a huge a cave with a water fall, and a set of stones spiraled down the waterfall. And I walked down them and when I reached the bottom, I stepped out of a door on a first floor. Once again I was crazy.
Age 7, I heard a rustle in my bedroom, looked up on the wall and saw a pitch black shadow with eyes made of bluish white light. It seemed startled that I could see it and it ran along the wall and out the door. (Years later my aunt saw a shadow slide under her bedroom door, she ran into the room and found my uncle having a seizure. My family said they believed me after that. But they still called me crazy.) But back to my story.
Luckily after age 7, these things stopped. And it was a relief, but it seemed my anger issues got worse and worse. I became restless and disappointed in the world as I grew up and became so rebellious. I'm still this way now, even though I am better at controlling my temper. My strange sightings were replaced with dreams that would come true. I would dream of friends telling me personal things about themselves that they didn't want anyone to know. I'd dream of relatives having children who got pregnant a week later, and I'd even dream of relatives dying before they died. When relatives would die, I would dream of them. My uncle, who died of cancer, once laughed and told me not to remind him when I asked him wasn't he dead.
With the dreaming, came this "I just know it" mentality about people. When people are angry I feel it, when they are sad I feel it, when they happy I feel it. Sometimes I have made the mistake of falling in love with someone because they were feeling immense love with someone else and I think on some level I picked up on it.
I'm also sickly. I have electrical issues with my heart from out of nowhere. The doctors say that the electrical system of my heart is similar to someone who exercises too much, but I wasn't very active at the time at all. I also experience gastro intestinal issues and dry skin.
And then the changes my personality. I have many sides to myself and I don't know what they are. It's nothing extreme, but there are times when I feel like there is something different about me, the way I talk, feel and treat people. Almost like there is more than one me, and my body and basic personality is just a medium to be used while that other side of myself expresses him or herself. You see what I mean? I must be crazy.
It scares me because my father, who is known for being very crazy, has mentioned similar stories to me. I haven't told him that I have experienced the same. I'm afraid for people to think that I am like him. I don't want to be crazy. My father says that I am powerful and that I am meant to do something special. But he's crazy. He says god speaks to him and that he's seen how powerful I'm going to become. My dad says that he saw I have a heart of gold and that I'm going to heal people. It scares me.
I have a feeling that I need to do something special and important and the more I realize I don't know what it is I become restless and anxious, but I think that's just the anxiety of a 20 year old, not a life purpose or calling that's preordaned for me, right? My mom was crazy when she was pregnant with me, my dads looney now, and it seems like they passed this weirdness onto me through their genes.
I worked very hard to control this and most of it went away, but sometimes I cannot. Now I'm grown, I just turned twenty three 40 minutes ago and I'm in Iraq. And I don't know if it's from the stress or what, but it's all coming back. I saw the black shadow for the first time since I was a kid a couple of days ago. And my mind feel likes it's doing that thing again where there is so many sides of me. Some are nice, so much nicer than me. Others are mean and arrogant and like toying with people because I understand how people think and feel. I had a dream about my ex and ended up receiving an email from ex just earlier. I really need help. Has anyone dealt with this that isn't in a stressful life threatening environment, I mean while growing up and everything else too. Because if you lived a normal life, and didn't have parents known for seeing weird stuff and having weird experiences, then maybe there is more to this than me a crazy kid that's going crazy again because he's stressed at war time.
I know this was a lot that I wrote and I am so sorry. But I am scared. I don't want to be crazy.