It began a year ago, when I wanted to be able to read auras. Back then, I didn't really thought of spirits and stuff, although I could feel presence of spirits in my house, and I knew if one area has a lot of eh "activity" there. I don't know exactly how to explain it. Anyhow, so somehow from learning about the aura, I decided that I wanted to be able to maybe communicate with beings, since I always sought to know the truth behind everything, and I've known that this world isn't real. I've felt that I experience it differently than other people. I thought of it as more like a computer game than anything. It just cannot be real, and it cannot be the truth, so I wanted to reach the truth.
I felt like I had something that is always helping me out and I wanted to meet it, but I've been afraid. I know it's not god. And I am atheist, so I'm sure it's nothing like what people think god is. I tried to meditate. I was successful, but too fearful. I didn't meet with anyone, but I was able to feel it. And I know it was spirit. When I say "know" about things, I mean that it's more than information for me, it's knowledge. A few days later I began to feel tingling sensation on top of my head, and I somehow knew that it has to do with spirits. I found on the internet that it is probably my "crown chakra" that starts to open. Since then, there are times I just have this tinglings (sometimes soft sometimes strong with energy pushing in), the problem is that I know that I'm blocking it. Because I can open it and close it at will. Not long ago, I decided that I wanted to overcome my fear, so I meditate for my third eye. I was successful to the good and the bad. I mean, I am very scared.
I am able to see things only when I am accepting, meaning only when I'm not blocking, and even then, I know that I block other things because of my fear so the "opening" is never really open fully. I can see auras but not completely. It's all because of my fear that I can't go on. I tried to contact with my spirit guide, but I am scared of him (I think it's him) somewhat. I mean, I know he's not bad or anything, but I just can't trust him fully, and I am afraid that once I meet him, I'll be out of control. And once this "opening" is fully open, I won't be able to block anything, and I won't be able to study and do other material things. That if I always see the truth then, I wouldn't be able to be a part of the delusion of this world. I'm sorry if I'm not very clear.
I know that when I do material stuff, my spiritual awareness decrease a lot, I am afraid that if I do spiritual stuff, I won't be able to go back to the material stuff. Also, I somehow manage to convince myself that if I don't really see it, only feel it, it doesn't really there, or it won't too much hurt me. When I somehow know that if I don't see it doesn't mean that it isn't there. So what am I doing with myself? Please, comments. I need to overcome this fear and I don't know how. I thought about it a lot, and I don't think that it is really related to the fear of death, it's more like to be in control thing, and fear of the unknown (which is related to death but here not necessarily).
Also, I don't usually meditate, because I have really hard time to try and focus, and also I always feel things when I meditate even though I am not really focusing good, so I'm not sure how this can be. I'm sure something wants me to be awaken, because this spiritual thing started so abruptly if I think about it now. It's like something is urging me to hurry up and wake up.