I don't know if this is energy or feelings or like a magnetic field, sorry I don't know too much about psychic abilities. I always referred to it as energy, but hearing about other people's experiences with absorbing or channeling energy is much different from mine. I get in these trances where it's like an energy overload and I can feel all the energy in my body and around me, it gets to a point where I'm absolutely terrified. When I'm in these 'trances' I experience a lot of weird things, such as I see a lot of weird stuff that might be energy. I will often see auras in this state, like objects and people have light or color surrounding them, and I will see faint static (energy). I can make walls look like they are breathing with my mind, I can make pictures look like they are growing or shrinking, and make patterns move. I will often see a lot of 'stray' aura, such as faded, colored lines of light moving faintly through my vision - I'm not sure what it is exactly. When I'm like this, I will often feel like everything is just energy and nothing but an illusion and that if I wanted to I could use the energy to do unexplainable things. I always thought this state was derealization and I think it might still be, but the way I can control energy and see aura just confuses me. This state scares me beyond belief, it may sound cool, but honestly it's terrifying from all the energy and auras and the way my body feels.
Part of me thinks I'm just a mental case, maybe I am, but it's so real it's unbelievable. When I say I can control the energy I mean I can bend and move my own energy in my body like small wave, I can listen to music and absorb it into my body to the point I feel the artists pain or happiness and it's so powerful I'll start trembling or have trouble breathing, I can put my hand near an object and absorb it's energy and suddenly my hand will feel like that object - such as if it's metal my fingers will feel stiff and cold just like metal, like I'm becoming it and it's like I connect with this energy, and I can create PSI balls in my hands. The energy is like this strong magnetic field.
Such as, I just got out of one these weird, energy trances I get in and I went to the window. I just felt like flying. So I concentrated and visualized lifting from the ground, and I could feel this magnetic energy pushing my body upwards, of course I didn't fly, but it was so strong I ended up on my toes from it. Or here's what really scares me, when energy I'm not controlling reaches out to me. Sometimes this random, magnetic energy will start pressing into my cheek and pushing my head to the side. I can fight it, but it's so strong it's unbelievable.
Meditation makes this all ten times worse. I can't zone out without energy flooding my body and everything becoming just energy, so I keep myself as busy as possible. I'm curious as to what I can do, but I'm so afraid of the derealization feeling so I try to avoid it at all costs. Not only that, but I'm afraid this could be a physical illness like a brain tumor or something and me playing with energy is making it worse or that I could be attracting demons (as I think my house does have a spirit or spirits in it, although they have never been a problem).
What is this? Why is this happening? Should I avoid doing anymore with all this? Any idea's what I could do with these 'abilities'? Could this just be a mental or physical thing? Anyone else out there like this?
(Sorry for the billion questions, if you can answer any or all or just give me any form of advice or input I would be beyond grateful because I really need help.)