It's so hard to write this and not just push the delete key and exit out this window. I want so bad to know that this is all in my head, I want what those doctors said to be try, that I'm just depressed and that I having some type of earlier onset psychosis. But deep down I know the true and I know that no matter how hard I try to run from it, bury it, burn it, I'm never going to be like everyone else I'll always be the freak who can't let anyone too close to afraid that I'll feel what they feel, the painful weight that bears down on me when they just feel too much, or when I forget to put up this stupid barrier that songs so stupid and can't possible be real but I know all too well what happens when I don't and that's the fear that makes me put it up day in and day out. That's I'm that kid not I'm not a kid anymore I lost that right when I first saw death and did nothing about it. I loved her but I said nothing about it, I just watched and keep quiet when I knew what was wrong and what was going to happen. I always do that I see but, what can I do. Everyone already thinks crazy, hell I think i'm crazy I mean seeing the future it's impossible right, right.
Then why do I see it, can anyone answer that please.
Why is it that I can do things others can't, make people do things, hurt people if they hurt me, why am I the freak. I know these words aren't nice or amazing but these are the words of a person who just needs something to make him feel normal, because the mask he hides behind can only do but so much when it already has so many cracks.
I've been like this since I was young, I guess you could say I wasn't like most kids my age I was the black sheep in the family, in school, pretty much in life. I love to play by myself I guess the only true friend I have had all my life is myself, I always like to use my imagination to play pretend. I never had an imaginary friend I tried it when I was young but it just didn't feel right, it felt wrong like I should be trying to talk to the air around me.
Around that time the feelings of fear and anxiety started The house of my youth felt really foreign at times like it belonged to someone else even though it was my grandparents house. At that age there was a few things I knew for sure I hated school, I like Digimon and Pokemon, and that there was some man in my grandparents house that we couldn't see but we heard him walking, and felt him either looking at you or being near you. I just tried to stay far away from him, he was scary and I didn't like it. I wonder if my family knew about him but I left it alone I didn't like to talk about him even when I felt like he was right behind me and I wanted to scream, even then I never entertained the idea of them believing me. I watched time go by and soon well let just say that's when the dreams started and they weren't as bad as they are now but they still made me want to cry every night I woke up they were of my grandmothers death and my little sisters birth funny thing about that was if my math is right and memory serves me right I was 6 or 7 back then.
And My grandmother didn't die until 2002 and my sister wasn't born until 2003; I was 6 in 1999 my sister was born after my brother who was born in 2001. So there was no way I could have known that before but I did. Life went on, I grow up tried to fit in didn't work I probably should have gave up but, that another story. My dreams had stopped and after I moved out of my grandparents house it seemed okay, when I visited my grandfather everything was everything, I pushed the man far into my memory, better to forget than fear right.
Back then when things were great but they were simple and day to day so much better I guess, I might be lying to myself but it help get me through this thing. It was either at the begin or the middle of my preteen years that everything started turn and wouldn't stop spinning (it still hasn't) My dreams came back and harder then when the first stated, when I was young it was the flying/ falling dreams that I had more than the precognition ones they were out of body dreams one minute I'd be flying the next I'd be falling into my body I'd see my body as I'd fall into it not something most people dream about or talk about for that matter to anyone no matter the age.
The dreams became violent, graphic, deeper in meaning, and came true more and more whether the next day or the next week, I started to have a dejva' moment everyday almost twice if not three times in a day. The one time I told someone close to me they laugh and called me weird and crazy. I smiled and agreed, I fixed my mask on that day and never took it off then. I wonder if my dream or vision of him came true? Then my voices came and the feeling of being watched no matter where I was enter into my life. I was scared but I had no one, to tell why, I was so alone. It got so bad I started to run around looking for cameras in the house. At this point my family had moved back in with my grandfather in my childhood home. The worst thing was that since my grandmother had passed I felt her spirit or energy and I was strong overwhelming over my own and it was hard to relax with the men and her watching me and no telling who else I was just so afraid of my surroundings it killed me on the inside around that time I came into my empathy, which as a preteen going into puberty and already having more stress than your run of the mill child to worrying about. Saying it was something amazing and such a gift would sicken me because it was like walking in pure hell everyday I couldn't even control it, the overwhelming of people around me feeling hurt, deeply sadden, or worst they were angry. The rage was the worst I wanted to break, kill, bleed it was so painful, the pain went from mental to physical. Then the Depression set in, and the worst part of that was the need to cut to feel something when I was so weighed down by outside emotion that I became numb and pain was the only thing that seemed to seep through my cage.
The doctors came soon after and like anything or one else you say you hear voices, or have dreams of the future, they say you're mentally unsettle is how I think they put it. The child psychiatric ward, I think learned how to protect myself, it was by chance but it was a lucky chance. Once I figured that out everything else just came together and I learned to shield myself and how to act, you don't get in trouble if you read and smile at everyone when they talk to you. Acting a certain way will get you what you want and make people see what they want to see my mask helped with that. They put me on meds they made me feel but not in a healthy way, they messed with my mind and made it harder for me to focus my shield but the sink fixed that and I just went on smiling, no one needed to know the truth and I mean no one at least for a time. Life was quite, I got through and that was all that matter until, it happened again my life became complex again, and I was scared because it wasn't like before I could block it out I couldn't stop it, it was strong and I was lost. This thing it did things, things that I had no control over, and it hurt people, made me strong but scared, and powerful but barely sane.
Thing started to happen around me, things that I would think about and say in angrier to my friends and it got bad, I almost killed my friend, I was not proud, I'm still not. I would get mad and say things like I hope you fall or go burn it would happen that that's what happen to them. I had liked at it as that I was just losing it, and it was just a chance happening (nothing ever happens to me by chance anymore or maybe ever). My friend bought it up and then I saw it was me, that's when I thought I was a witch funny I know, but hey what Charmed fan wouldn't want to be a witch after watching them, orbing could really be hand for a teenager.
I started to study up on the supernatural, longing about parapsychology, Wicca things, and psychic's, that when I learned what it was that I could try and do this maybe the hardest part out of any of my tale to say and believe myself and even harder for you be I could influence the physical plane like people's action's, probability of outcomes, numbers like on dice and stuff, the elements like fire movement and water temperature. What was really big was when I learned to control the weather which wasn't easy but I learned to do it. I didn't know why or how but I could also speak to technology in a way it was more like I could see inside of it and help it, fix it. This thing was called psychokinesis, I could manipulate energy around me and bind it to my will but what I didn't know was that putting out so much energy can take a hard toll on you I needed to feed, I would take in the energy of others but the empathy part made me reconsider really fast after the first few times.
I learned to take and give energy with the land, and animals. Which is where I learned that I can harmonize with animals it's like being one in the heart with them it's the best thing of it all their pure and kind, it feels like home even though my home ever felt like that.
Something I did with my power, not gift but power because a gift you handle with care and try to make sure you do hurt anyone with it but I didn't I just didn't learn and I should have. My dreams came back and started shows me people I hadn't met yet and things that having even been considered until now. I've seen 9 murders, two deaths, and one suicide. All have happen but one.
I've learned like was my second sight, which if I use with my empathy and psychokinesis I could do something called soul reading.
This was something that at the time I thought I made it up but it wasn't, I learned later. I miss used it, trying to show off hoping that if I could get my friends to believe then I could tell them what I was. Seeing your on death or murders does something to you. I needed them to understand and this was my way, some door should stay closed, I learned when I hurt a friend of mine I broke him, and now let's just say what's there now isn't my friend it's something else something I should have died to keep in him, but I was afraid and now I've lost him, I just hope one day I can fix him, save him. I won't let go this time. I promise.
High school will always hold regrets mine just run a little deeper because it was my fault a lot.
This is why I need help, because as corny as it sounds I guess Clark Kent's father was right with great power comes great responsibility. I just haven't found mine yet.