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We Retarded You Your Whole Life


November 6, 2019, I was walking the few kilometers into the small northern town where I live, when I began to experience communication with entities unknown. It began with something like those simulated conversations we have with people (I've asked others), and later turned into a full-on vision held in a secondary space in my mind.

I was fully able to see the path I was walking on, the trees and the road beside me, yet I was also seeing, in a completely different mental space, a light-greenish sketch of data flows like waterfalls meant to represent souls being recycled. It reminded me of the color of the streaming symbols in The Matrix movie. The entities communicating with me--both verbally and non-verbally--represented their selves as being the dead, and sketched me pictures of whole towns in the noosphere, where entities carried on business which had much to do with the communities in our reality.

They communicated that things were the reverse on their side, where good was bad, among other things which I don't remember. They showed me a representation of the devil, with tail and pitchfork, though I only saw its naked backside. With the idea of Jesus in mind who said "get behind me Satan"--I found myself thinking "lead the way, you seem to know the way around here".

I didn't feel that I was nearly as honorable or strong willed as Jesus probably was. As well, I felt completely lost in such a situation, and felt as if something very special was happening to me. I'm not particularly religious, and never really was, despite being raised as a Christian.

"We retarded you your whole life" they said.

"We were going to do so for longer, but the cull is getting out of control, so we brought you on-line sooner than planned."

This was just as the Covid19 scare was kicking off, something I already knew was a hoax to force everyone to get on a regular and evil injection schedule (and no, I'm not an "anti-vaxxer", I'm just not that stupid--I want to see some bodies piling up first).

"If you can't learn to shield yourself, we'll have to delete you."

And "Everybody's psychic, but they won't talk about it. Maybe you can do something about it."

In the following days, as I went schizophrenic, psychic, or whatever you want to call it, everything seemed more meaningful than usual, and the synchronicities seemed constant. Everybody around me seemed to be "in on it", as the things they said seemed to relate to what I was going through. I felt as if everybody could read my mind, and that my thoughts were way too loud for them. It seemed like I was constantly having heated arguments and conversations with entities in my mind, relating to the things in my life, and it often seemed like people would interrupt me because it was getting to them, pounding on the walls, or calling me up just to shut me up. Sometimes it seemed like people were revving their engines, or cursing in anger because of me.

There were times when I would accidentally cut myself and it would seem as if it were some sort of ritual blood sacrifice. Once, I had the tiniest cut, but I could smell the blood so strongly.

After my "awakening", it seemed like the place where I was working was extra busy, and that people were showing up just to touch my hand as I gave them their change, as if they were receiving some sort of healing, blessing, or showing me support in my battles.

One crazy guy seemed like he knew how I was coming out of the closet as someone great--which I don't have a clue about--and said "don't you remember me?", like we'd been great friends in a past life.

The entities that are constantly harassing me in my thoughts taught me different mental techniques, some of which I don't see the point of. When I input passwords online, logging into my bank account or other places, they get angry if I think the numbers or passwords verbally. I'm supposed to just "know" things without repeating them verbally in my thoughts. I've learned to memorize numbers, a bit, without verbally repeating them. I'm supposed to visualize things instead of repeating them verbally.

I had to quit my job and take Covid money because when I was counting certain things which people had touched when they'd been drinking, I'd get these horrible and negative fights going off in my head, couldn't think straight, and was supposed to count silently, without verbalizing the numbers. I'm kind of an old dog to be learning these new tricks at the drop of a hat.

They want me to do things "languorously", calmly without stress, cut coffee out of my life, and learn to keep marijuana around for medicine, and cigarettes on me without ever smoking them. They are off their rockers. I've cut out the coffee easily, and the weed, with more difficulty. Cigarettes are next, but I don't see myself carrying a pack of smokes around, or hanging around smokers in the beginning. It doesn't seem to matter what I do to appease them, they're "capricious" as they've labeled their selves. They also labeled their selves "Thoughts Unbidden", so I took to calling them TU, or Tu, which fits in an "Et Tu, Brutus?" sort of way. Sometimes I refer to them as "Tu", sometimes as "They". What else can you call something that could just as easily be called "legion" and should probably be running around in a herd of pigs instead of my mind.

These entities have a way of putting thoughts in my mind, and turning my own attempts at thought into verbalizations of their own. When I get angry at them, they'll make up some tirade against themselves and insert that in my mind, and then tear me down for what I said. If I defend myself, they attack me for defending the words they put in my mind's mouth--usually a bunch of angry swearing that would have been typical of me at my worst in the past. I give up and try to maintain silence in my mind, but depending on their mood, they'll be having fights with their selves (while stimulating my solar plexus) using my mind. Sometimes I feel like committing suicide because I can't stand having their negative energy using up all my mind's resources.

They want me to eat very little, and sometimes I give in to their demands, but it usually doesn't go well. I'm someone who is skinny and has always eaten quite a bit to power my high metabolism. When I want to make a positive change in my life, they'll attach their selves to the effort, and demand that I do it their way. Try finding a mate when you're a shy person, with these entities trying to turn every opportunity, missed or perceived, into an obsession, and giving you both idiotic and good advice about it. They try to turn me into a victim and then be the only ones who can help me.

Some of the pressures they have put on me, to change my habits have been positive. I make my bed every morning, do my dishes as soon as I've eaten. I wash my hands after getting out of bed, in case I scratched my butt in the night, and these entities have the ability to give me itches everywhere, from my throat to my anus. I'm cleaner than I ever was, and very aware of what I touch. I wash my hands before handling food, and am learning not to eat from the source. In the case I get the opportunity to share what I have with friends, I want to have a clean conscience, as these entities will pick on any awareness of possible contamination as grounds for guilt.

Whatever positive changes I make in my life, I'm learning not to let myself backslide, and to get back to good habits as quickly as possible when I do.

Early on I found they had a way of representing their selves as if they were the people in my life--bringing the person to mind and then attacking me as if they were them.

In the beginning they claimed it was that person's "Id" that was attacking me, but I learned to go to those people and find out what they really thought of me. Now, they seem restricted to making things up that border on the possible or unknowable, like when you get along with a new friend's wife, they'll insinuate that you and she want to cheat on him, or if you meet your good friend's new girlfriend, they'll make out like she's a whore and wants to f___ you (when actually she's the best thing for him).

It's non-stop lies, and definitely seems to be the kind of thing schizophrenics have to deal with, from what I've found they say on YouTube.

When I was on Covid money, due to being "psychic" and "beleaguered", I had time to relax and try to recover. They took this opportunity to represent their selves as a friend I had known, who was into magick--though she never told me much about it. They sat me down to meditate (which I used to do regularly to help myself through depression and addictive behaviors) and showed me a strange spiritual practice they called "ablations".

I would usually look these things up, because they use only words that I've already been exposed to or are already in my vocabulary, and they often use them incorrectly. I wasn't sure if it was "ablutions", which is a ritual of washing one's self for purity, but they were definitely saying "ablations", which means a cutting out of a diseased part during surgery.

They would get me to focus on the region of my "3rd-eye", between the eyebrows, put the tip of my tongue against the roof of my mouth, and kind of make a triangle of muscular force between the back of my skull, just below the ears, and my 3rd-eye. Then they would guide me through scraping some sort of substance (they say it's "Prana") from the roof of my mouth, past my teeth, cleaning my teeth of it along the way, up the front of my skull, up the nose, past the eyes, and then out my 3rd-eye, imagining a vortex in front of my face which I'd push all this goo down.

As they helped me, the presented their selves as different friends of that magick girl's, all females, and acted as if their boyfriends might kind of be jealous at such intimate help. They said that each person's brain is like a different instrument to play, as they showed me how to do the skull-scraping. After a bit, I was able to do it without help, and could really feel the forces I was pushing at.

One technique they showed me seemed like voodoo. Using the tip of my tongue against the roof of my mouth, and the 3rd-eye, I would arch my head back, and grab tendrils that went down my back and into my leg muscles, and pull them out by moving my head forward. After they showed me how to do it, it would often happen after I'd get an angry thought that seemed to be from someone else. I'd hear a squeal in my tinnitus as I grabbed a tendril and pulled it out. Once, when pulling one which I thought might be a connection to my mother, the slender tip of it broke off, down in my leg.

They said these were unhealthy connections to people in my life, and that between this voodoo technique, and the ablations, they were helping me cut the connections that were holding me back from making positive changes in my life. What it really seemed to be doing was to make room for a connection to a schizophrenic nightmare.

The spiritual practices they showed me only seemed to make my life more "psychic" or "schizophrenic". It has been the connections to real people which have helped me to put my life back together. Praying for those people, and putting myself last in the list seems to help--something I got from a book by George Gurdjieff, a spiritualist they put me onto when I came across his name while searching for answers to what I was going through.

I have had many strange experiences in the last 2-1/2 years since the vision. I've learned to cope and have been able to work again, this time at a place where I have more of a future and am able to put my skills to better use.

Some of my experiences have been like demon possession. Often I have these entities fighting with each other in my mind. Once it seemed as if a couple had hi-jacked me, and were fighting with each other as I rode my motorbike. Another time, while trying to search online for help--under attack with sharp pains in my head and angry thoughts attacking me with meaningless guilt over things that never happened--it seemed as if an entity landed in my body to help me.

I asked it questions and it answered a few of them. It was male, and while more quiet than myself, seemed to share my sense of humor and settled in beside me, taking half my mind and body, which I accepted with relief.

He guided me through a different sort of ablation, where he quickly cleared my skull of the crawling negative energy (Prana?) with a torus of energy which seemed a bit like a halo, passing it up and over my head, and then shooting it off into space in a sort of cone. He then led me to stretch, doing something that seemed a bit like the Voodoo, in terms of pulling out negative tendrils in my back. At the end of that motion, it seemed the tendrils ended up between my shoulder blades, and crackled out with a stretch of the arms, as if they were budding wings. He kept my thoughts quiet, shielding me from the negative entities that had been attacking, and led me out of there, so quiet, sneaky, and confident as if he were a spy in a foreign place, teaching me to act the same. I had the feeling that he was me, but a more perfected, experienced me. My better half in a sense. When I was telling a friend about it afterwards, I began to cry.

Last year, while working on the other side of the country, standing in place running a machine for hours, I was imagining trying to soak up earth energy into my legs and body to give me strength to deal with the demons that were fighting in my head. I found myself needing to stretch, and found myself prostrated on the ground, as if I were bowing to some God. During that time, it seemed as if another entity had taken over, similar to when the angel had helped me out. Tu, whose personality changes all the time, kept referring to that second helpful entity as "Az", a reference to a fantasy series I'd read as a teenager, about a friendly demon named Az, and a young, naive magician.

When it came to different "spiritual" practices which I've been taught, things that I can feel physically, which seem to affect my sense of well being, there have been a few. No entities ever took the time to show me anything as involved as the first group who were posing as the magick girl and her friends, who showed me the "ablations". The same entities, or entities which seemed associated with them, would also interfere with the practice of ablations, putting visual interference in the way of the vortex, or just generally attacking me

I was given help at different times by other entities, and the techniques they used on me were faster and more effective in making me feel better. The quickest and most effective seemed to be the torus which seemed to pass quickly over my head and get rid of that negative energy, or Prana, which seemed a bit like science fiction. Maybe it's psi-fi

In the end, I had to imagine my own way of dealing with it, which involved imagining a point way out in interstellar space which pulled all that negative energy from my skull and disappeared it into another, unknown dimension.

Whatever I do, or whatever entities do it for me, in terms of scraping my skull, it never seemed to help with the negative thoughts talking to me in my mind, and so I really don't know what it was good for. It seems as if, when I do it myself, it just attracts more psychic attack. Tu says it's for longevity, but there's always the question of what's the point of living longer if you're just getting yourself into a living hell. There's also the point that none of the famous spiritualists seem to live much longer than anybody else. Crowley seems to have died a heroin addict.

I read that some schizophrenics have to deal with strange sensations in their skulls, and I assume it is something to do with this. It also seems that when I go searching online for clues to what it's about, I come across Kundalini. Indian mysticism is a topic which Tu latched onto and repeated to me after I would come across it online, going on about how I was suffering from Pranic Bindings. If it was "pranic bindings", I'd like to know to what or who they are, and how to cut them. Ablations, even the rough ones I invented for myself, haven't seemed to do anything positive for me, despite being able to physically feel this substance and the effect I can have on it. Prayer (sending out love) and positive relations with real people seem to do more.

This whole thing started out with what seemed to be a psychic attraction/connection to a young lady half my age, and they were always using my feelings for her like a carrot on the end of a stick. I had the psychotic/religious/spiritual/metaphysical vision later in the evening of the day I missed a date with her--having lain back to rest for a bit, and fallen asleep (I suspect malfeasance).

Sex has been a big part of this whole thing. I was first thinking that this whole thing was going to lead me to a real relationship with that young woman, thinking it was something she wanted me to learn. I had talked to her about it, and she seemed to know more than I about this stuff, and admitted that we had a psychic connection. Unfortunately, I'm shy and didn't get right into all the details. In the beginning, there was a phase when everything I looked at which was cylindrical seemed phallic. I told her about it and she seemed amused.

My penis seems infected by something. When I would think positively about her, these entities would give me strange sensation in my penis. In the beginning just erections, and later, a feeling like I had a worm writhing in my urethra. It seemed as if I had some sort of metaphysical VD.

In the beginning, I was experiencing strange and vivid dreams that seemed to be testing me to see if I was a pedophile or a thief, as well as berating me for smoking. Some of the dreams were very artful. Some were horrific nightmares. I was under the impression that she and I were fated to be together, and that these were test on the way there. In reality, she doesn't return my emails, has expressed her desire for me to get on with my life, and it seems I've been the victim of a psychic fraud perpetrated by entities which must be benefiting from this possession/harassment.

The whole time, they kept at it with this game of "things were going fine until you ______" (such as writing this). I caught onto this in time, and while it became a joke in time, I often find myself falling back into their trap. I try to clear my memory of their influence, and focus on what I considered to be my real feelings about that young woman, to gain closure, and I truly liked her. As soon as I go there though, things get dark. My dreams turn ugly and sexual (giving myself head, or other embarrassing things), the worm starts turning in my penis, and Tu gets very negative and loud.

As they used her as the centerpiece of their deception, my feelings for her were manipulated from the start. Days before I met her I had the feeling or thought that I was in love with someone I had never met before, though at the time I was kind of in love with her friend.

After we'd met, I found myself crying for no good reason, and a small and quiet voice said to me--the first of the Thoughts Unbidden which I remember--"Accept your fate, it's all going to work out in the end." Who knows what that really meant, but I know I'm doing what I can to make my life work out.

"Everybody is psychic" seems to have been true. Sometimes it seems that "but they won't talk about it" is because either they don't know, or they are protecting their self from the chaos. "Maybe you can do something about it" has proven to be true, because as I tell people about what I've been going through, people have confided in me about their own experiences, and I have been shocked to find out how prevalent psychic experiences are.

Before the vision, I had a dog I loved very much. I had a dream that he drowned, and woke up crying. After that, he would make me watch him whenever he crossed a creek or went for a drink at a body of water. Later on, I had a dream of a bear floating past the door of our bush camp, and he got up and went outside and started running around barking. There was no sign of a bear, and he didn't even look for one. A few years later, when his time had come and he had survived two attempts on his life by fate, he did end up drowning, and it seemed okay, like it was the best way at the time. I never could have put him down or let him die if I could do anything about it.

After his death, I was very sad, and that's when I got tinnitus. I was sitting in a restaurant, with sunglasses on because I was crying over his death, and looking over, saw a couple at another table were crying. I felt as if I was affecting them. My friend found my dog's body frozen in the ice at the shore of the river, and we marked out the spot and I put up a picture of him there. In the spring, I just happened to be back in town when the river broke, and was lucky enough to make it down to the shore with the townsfolk and see that chunk of ice head out to sea.

After all the entities attacking, possessing, teaching, and manipulating me, I found I had welcomed too many things into my mind and body. Now I have these chirping noises in my ears, one in my right and one in my left, which seem to have personalities attached to them. The one on the left chirps quite often, the right is mostly silent. Sometimes I wonder if it has something to do with those pictures of an angle on one side and a devil on the other.

A couple times, one of them being today, the chirpings have seemed to slow down, spreading out in time to what almost seems like speech, still too fast for me to understand. It's possible it takes a lot of effort for them to slow down that much. Thoughts Unbidden have said the chirping on the left is my future child, and that the one on the right is an older entity of the same kind, wiser. I don't know what the truth is. They must know I can't understand them, but they still chirp to me in response to what I do and what I think. I used to interpret it as some sort of code, like "once for yes and twice for no", but it never seemed to work out--following that kind of interpretation for advice on what I was doing.

When I get very beleaguered, with negative thoughts "pronging" me, putting words in my mind's mouth, and generally trying to destroy my peace of mind, the chirping can get a bit frantic. Constantly, when I've been "pronged" with a thought I don't want, and it's counterpart, guilt--a new tone will sound in my tinnitus and join the overall high pitched drone.

I had the understanding after the vision, and after reading Robert Anton Wilson's book "Secrets Of The Illuminati", that tinnitus is "blocking", or "busy signals" from entities we are connected to on a cosmic level. Once, after having a dream in a series where I was supposedly being inducted into a group of people who I have seen around and been friends with, and who were connected to that young woman, I woke with the memory of having told a vast group of people "not a chance", though I couldn't remember exactly what I'd said no to. It seemed to have something to do with being their leader, and later Tu said it was to lead a revolution of some sort. As I woke up, I had no tinnitus, as is sometimes the case, but these little "busy signals" began to sound, one after the other--as if my answer were being passed from one individual to another. It seemed as if there were thousands of the notes, and as more of them sounded, they began to sound more often, as if a network of people were telling each other of the news. Soon my tinnitus was as loud as ever.

Sometimes, the volume gets turned down on my tinnitus, and that often seems to happen when I'm cooperating with Tu, though really difficult to say why, exactly, my tinnitus fluctuates so much. Sometimes it's as simple as dropping something, or thinking out loud when I think of my password when I log onto my computer that starts a new note or small squeal.

There seems to be a connection between the squeal of tinnitus and the chirping. There have been times when it seems the tinnitus notes slowly down to a kind of chirping, sounding like a bearing that is starting to go, giving a steady chirping noise. And the there's the chirping which slows down and sounds like speech in its rhythms.

At times, I find hope in the thought that anti-psychotic drugs might help me get these evil entities, or thought-forms, out of my mind, and out of my dreams. It seems a better option than suicide, which I used to use as a mantra to drown out their harassment. I maintain the hope that I will be able to live a fulfilling life after I get this infection out of my Kundalini, Prana, or whatever it is.

I hope I don't have to take drugs to get over this, and often feel that I probably never should have used recreational drugs in my life, or masturbated while thinking of living people. The former is often cited as something that wears the "veil" thin, and the latter something which has been cited as justification for the psychic rape of my mind.

Then there's the racist joke I made to a woman who didn't take it well, being of the race I was jabbing (albeit with no real malice). That was something that ended up making me fear for my life in the beginning of this psychic nightmare.

I forgive myself for these things and other harms I've done to people, and forgive the people in my life who traumatized me at a young age. All of these traumas to my mind seem to have had a hand in wearing my veil thin, and I hope I get to be a father so I can tell my child some better reasons why they should behave than "you'll get hairy palms" or "you won't get into heaven".

I hope that this story helps someone to make the choice not to fall for the BS from the other side. As far as I can tell, their promises don't seem to be worth much, though learning to deal with any handicap should be a positive thing in the end. My point is, there's a good chance you'll end up handicapped and having to deal with it if you listen to what entities tell you, no matter how interesting and personal it seems.

They're expert liars.

Good luck, LOVE and FORGIVENESS to ALL.

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Comments about this clairvoyant experience

The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, Beleagured, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will participate in the discussion and I need help with what I have experienced.

steve11 (1 stories) (31 posts)
1 year ago (2023-01-16)
I also have tinnitus that is a reaction to the thoughts I am having. I also have a daily telepathic communication going on. One of the beings became a very close dear friend. I am very grateful for her support. I am celibate. I stay away from sexual feeling if I can. My spirit friend and myself are trying to unite the world with fairness for all and fairness from all. Website
steve11 (1 stories) (31 posts)
1 year ago (2023-01-15)
You have an experience very similar to mine. Check out my website I am able to defeat or silence the controllers. A friend there told me I can defeat evil. I have many friends there. Contact me from the website if you like.
ufw57 (39 posts)
2 years ago (2022-05-21)
Im just going to be vouge about what am getting because I might be part of it not just by looking but from small things I noticed first your from canada and you love God, second is you have anger issues, third that was very long we appreciate your effort and last but not least I'm writing this before I finished reading your experience so now that I've got the energy I'm going back to read it and throw everything vouge*

...starting now take notes I don't think I can handle this.

1. Entities and Aliens
2.God, Jesus and the battle between good and evil (social anxiety, antisocial behavior, mental problems, self worth...etc)
3.Space ships (actual brown-red-bluish alien mother ship hovering about 15ft high over the ground with two doors coming from the left and right sides like treadmills*)
4.There was cannibalism in that ship (ark)...this one was scary to watch trust me expecialy when you cut yourself and you are in it. You were actually speaking to an AI from birth... It has just started talking to you. Don't run.
5. During your awakening you turned into a reptilian (I saw it with my eyes)

**Im getting bad vibes about this**

6.The crazy guy in a past life wasn't your friend, he was an enemy... There was a big fight and one of you died... It wasn't you who died.
7. From the part were you hate memorizing numbers is the good part because it's your inner child who needs help now to become a grown up just like you I think.

**Sorry but I can't help you anymore. I stopped reading at the part were you quit your job... Just that part. I did not continue. Also the lights went off and I'm using tarot's form of doing readings and I never use them in the dark especially a black out**

(The last time I used them with the lights switched off with only my phone's touch light I saw my ex girlfriend smiling from god knows were and caught malaria... Yes they bring mosquitoes in the dark lol)

I hope this helped.
Beleagured (1 stories) (1 posts)
2 years ago (2022-05-20)
I just wanted to add my recent experiences to the above story.

As the worst of my habits were the excuse the beings used to attack me on a daily basis, through the night, in my dreams, and from the moment until I went to bed, I combined my desire to go on a vacation with the idea that being in new circumstances would make it easier for me to change my habits, namely chronic smoking, toking, and coffee drinking,

I had wanted to visit with liberty minded people who are fighting the New World Order--which I felt I was being introduced to in a psychic way--as well as changing my way of living, and hopefully meeting new people who would bring out the best in me.

As I traveled in my car, with my motorbike in tow on a trailer, I was constantly under attack. When I went to visit some family friends, the voices told me that their daughter "needed me", and gave me dreams that seemed like immature lessons in romance. A strange thing was, that when I got to the visit, the family told me quite a bit about how their daughter was in a negative relationship The "voices", or "thoughts unbidden", also made the good point that when you visit someone, you should bring a gift for the house.

As I continued on my trip, I had a very good visit with a long lost brother and his family, and though that was very positive, I had strange experiences, parked at truck stops, sleeping, where my whole body was vibrating, like I've heard people experience when they are about to astral travel.

When I got to Baja California, Mexico, I was in a frantic state, and as I passed through the desert, the voices filled me with fear about running out of gas.

I felt horrible as I passed through the West of the Baja peninsula, and afraid as I passed through the desert to the East. The moon was full one night as I pulled over to sleep, and I had very vivid and interesting dream, created as a series of dramas, like a series of thrillers one might watch on TV, and in them was that young woman again.

At the end, she stopped and stretched against a wall, and fearfully said "I have to do my oblations". And the I woke up with a full moon above, the message was that I should get out of the car and "do my oblations/obeisances". I felt I would not get out of the car and bow to some evil entities, and drove on. Later I realized they like to act like any time I take care of my body and stretch, I'm showing fealty to something or other. I chose that to be myself, as a small piece of the Creator.

Finally on the East Coast of the Baja, a few miles out of a town, my car started to malfunction, and as I drove around the town, the engine began to make loud noises and barely run. I was looking for a place to rent a spot to live and work on it, and a man on a motorcycle recognized me and caught my attention.

It was someone I had known for 20 years, from the town I live in--quite the synchronicity. He took me to a place where I could rent for a reasonable rate, with room to work on my car, and a nice neighborhood of rich and poor people.

My dreams were becoming very nightmarish, and the physical feelings of having the hard pallet of my mouth changing shape, and the pressures in my skull were increasing. To combat what felt like such evil, I learned to create a ritual where I would start my day with a walk before I had a cigarette, pray for all the people in my life who I cared about, and stretch my body.

One night, in response to a thought I had about the woman they had said "needed me", I had a dream which alternated between extreme sexuality, and extremely morbid and bloody scenes which felt as if I were watching a movie. I woke in the middle of the night with the feeling that my head was in a vice, the feeling in my mouth strong, and a I found myself cursing the friend I thought was psychic who may have helped get me into this "psychic awakening". I hoped for his death, and my tinnitus went crazy.

In that moment, I forgave myself for those thoughts, and tried to get into a more positive state of mind.

The friend in this town in Mexico, who had helped set me up with a place to stay--and the elderly couple who were showing me so much care as my landlords--asked me how things were going, and I told them about my experiences.

Another friend, who I had some good conversations about being psychic was getting worn down by my negativity, and said "if they told you they would delete you if you couldn't shield yourself, maybe you should delete yourself. My other friends also advised I get some medical help, which I had turned to in my thoughts, as they turned away from suicide, towards being able to be a better friend to my friends.

These friends got me an appointment with a doctor, who, though he didn't offer much information, said that "yes, he was familiar with people with schizophrenic symptoms complaining of changes in the shape of the hard pallet of their mouth."

He asked me if I had anger issues, and all I could say was that if I could give physical form to the entities that were making my life hell, I would kill them and bury their body. He seemed satisfied and gave me a prescription for an anti-anxiety pill called Alprazolam, or Xanax.

It was strange, because, riding back from the doctor's office, with my friend playing Bob Marley's "Let's Get Together and Feel All Right"--the feeling of oppression and the thoughts unbidden disappeared almost before I put the first pill into my mouth.

I'll never forget that day. I was able to look at beautiful women, any woman, and not feel the unbidden thoughts attacking me. The world around me was mine again and I felt so free.

One of the first things I did when I woke feeling normal, was to have a cup of coffee (forbidden by Tu) with my friend. Over time, the thoughts unbidden returned, though not as loudly. With the Xanax, I found it easier to ignore them, and at the same time, I found their input to be more often positive.

Some days are better than others.

Some days I can stay within the doctor's low prescription (1/3 of what Wikipedia called normal dosage), and some days, I find myself taking more of them, both to counter their negativity, and sometimes just so I can find the motivation to get the things I need to get done.

I feel a bit of a danger of using it the way I used to use weed, though there is no high I feel, just a habit of using something external to control my internal mood. It seems there are ways to enforce positivity, but some days, "realism" makes positivity difficult, and the drug helps me put one foot in front of the other with the knowledge that "everything works out in the end", something I knew since I was a child.

I want to share what happened since I shared the first part of my story--share the fact that I did turn to pharmaceutical drugs to help me through what was purported to have been a "spiritual awakening" or "enlightenment".

I also believe in magic in a way I never did before, and I have a strong belief in the four precepts of book "The Four Agreements". Also the card reading a friend did for me at the beginning of this vacations/journey, which put Service first, then Love, then Slow and Steady Progress, and lastly "Go For It".

Recently, on days when I find it difficult to see success in my future, I have at least learned to forgive myself for having been born. This takes the blame from everyone I could blame for the way my life turned out.

I love this world, and I wish peace of mind, and for the people of the world to have their hearts filled with love for each other.

I think there is a Satanic system trying to take over our world by channeling our imaginations and controlling our dreams towards sex, ego, and judgment of others.

I hope purely spiritual methods can help people, but I am also convinced that realism is very important as well.

I still believe that we have these bodies for a reason, and it is our duty to use our reason to create the kind of world we want to live in. I believe that many people who sell spirituality are part of the Luciferian/Catholic/New World Order system, and that there is a God, indescribable and beyond the degradation of religion, and that that God has many servants, in this world and beyond.

Love and Forgiveness.

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