My name is Jordan.
I am a very quiet (not necessarily shy) person, I'm thin (139ish lbs), and consider myself decently attractive.
I guess I'm writing this story to get opinions on what I have felt my entire life, and more recently beginning to come to terms with, especially after reading articles on the definition of an "Empath".
As I read them, I almost wanted to excitedly jump up and down and point, thinking it was perfectly describing me.
However I am a very skeptical person at the same time, is there a way to gain proof that I am truly, accurately sensing people's emotions simply by listening and looking at them?
Likewise with music, I get intense emotions from the song, based on the way it feels to me. When I was going through a period of suicidal intention in my life (Age 15-16), I would often feel "fed" by listening to angry metal such as Slayer, and just dwelling in it as if it was somehow taking away my anger with the world.
When I listen to classical music I feel at peace, and often in awe.
I have played piano my entire life, and when I press a single note in a quiet room, my soul is filled with wonder and happiness, especially as I continue to play.
One example is that this song:
Makes me feel sad, reflective and happy at the same time. I find it gorgeously amazing, pure and dream like.
Movies such as the Lion King would, and still do, make me cry when I watch them, because I can feel how Simba would feel to watch his dad be killed. Then my mind will argue it's just a cartoon, and that it's silly to cry about it. I just can't help it.
Overall, in general, I feel like a very complicated person and I've done some very bad things in the past, and I don't know why I did them, why I feel the way I feel I do in many situations, and would really like to talk to someone that might be able to give a perspective of who I am from outside of my own mind, that is perhaps as empathetic as I can be.
I've done a decent amount of 'scene' drugs, in the preceding 6 months of the submission of this story, including X.lsd.mushrooms...
And sometimes, especially lately, wonder if they have permanently changed the way I think and perceive things, and often find myself asking people I have just met if they think I am insane.
Everybody continuously answers no, they think I'm "one of the most chill, and nicest person they've ever met."
I find it difficult to stay in a job without feeling like it "robs my soul." I had a very bad experience slowly being brainwashed at a CVS Pharmacy store in Atlanta, and ended up losing my girlfriend of 3 years from my detachment of emotions. I promptly quit after that and felt as if the world had turned 4000 shades lighter in color, and that every breath was fresher than the last, despite the pain I felt from losing her.
I'm just looking for someone to talk to about these sorts of things where I will not feel like I am rambling and only talking about myself.