I know that I am an empathic clairvoyant. I know that my purpose is to help others. I know that what I have is a gift. What I don't know is how to use it properly.
Last fall I made the decision to give up on a life that I had worked so hard to achieve. I had a really nice, "normal" life. I had an amazing girlfriend, a dog, a fresh start, a future. But there was always the empathy burning away, and something deep inside me saying that there was more... A lot more.
I only discovered shortly before my decision what exactly it was that I had. It was a difficult choice and it cost me dearly. I do not regret making the choice to try to further discover my gift. However, it's been a long, lonely, and difficult road. I've gotten really good at pretending that it's not there. My entire life prepared me for that aspect. It's just tough knowing that people don't know the real me, or the level at which I exist at. I have been digging and digging to find out how I can possibly exist with my gift and how to express it. I've gotten so used to keeping it buried and hidden over the years.
Trying to embrace it has been incredibly difficult. Having this site has given me great hope and comfort, but it doesn't reach out and meet me in those moments when I get so lost and confused that I break down. It's nice to read about all the other stories and hear the feedback but it doesn't comfort my soul.
Living with this has been absolutely excruciating at times, as many can relate. Today, I spent the entire day by myself, purposefully. I was trying to conquer all those thoughts and feelings that roam through me, trying to get myself back up where I belong. Then, this evening I went out with a bunch of friends to watch a movie and go for drinks. It was awesome. The switch comes right on for me. I can be super social and have a great time with others. But I can still be aware inside. Then I get home and WHOOOSH! Emotions. The last couple of days have been sorrow. In a way, it sounds like depression, but I have a lot of background in psychology and it's not even close.
I really wish I had the proper support with all of this. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and hash through all this crap again. I know that eventually it be a whole lot better and I guess that's what keeps me going. The kind of stuff we all deal with is only slowly being accepted in most societies. Therefore, it's up to us to figure out how to deal with it and how to reveal it. Most days, it's pretty good. I know it's there but I can distract it. But that's just it... I don't want to distract it anymore. I really don't. I want to embrace it, let it shine, and share it with others. But even if I wanted to, I don't know how. Yet, at the same time, it's me. It always will be. It's there inside me and I don't know how to manage it.
I'm trying various things I read on here and I'm getting more and more into meditation. However, it's new, it's scary, it's draining, and it's frustrating, and worst of all, it's lonely. I've tried and tried to find an outlet, but it hasn't happened yet. The only thing that seems to have worked thus far is distraction. But as mentioned, I don't want to distract myself anymore. I want to learn to channel it efficiently.
I'm not looking for advice on this one. I simply needed to verbalize what was going through my head. It's not easy to put it all in words, and it can probably be done a lot better. However, it did its purpose. I needed to simply express myself. If you took the time to read it, then I thank you and I only wish you the best on your journey. I understand how difficult it must be to turn away from the computer, from your solitary moments, or possibly from other aware individuals, and to return to that world we all exist in.
But no matter what, know that you are not alone, that we all exist on this beautiful planet, that we all experience a lot of the same things, and that we are all connected. I couldn't imagine being the person I am and existing even just eighty years ago. Despite the level of consciousness at which our world majorily exists, it is a world that I am happy to be a part of.