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My Dark Side As An Empath: Facing An Unpleasant Truth

 

As I progress in my understanding of my experiences, I have to ask, can I "make" people feel bad - or worse? "Bad" as in; extremely guilty, or anxious to the point that I think I would physically - or now psychically - hurt them. Bad to the point that people have told me I "make" them ill, and even want to hurt themselves?! Two psychic peers went as far as to ask if I was psychically - attacking them in the past week!

I am beyond sensitive to what people say to me, I feel sick in any sort of quibble, conflict, or escalation. Admittedly, I can do what I use to call "cutting someone to psychological ribbons". I'm not proud of it, but I'm trying to be brutally honest with myself, and have this ability to "make" others feel good, bad or otherwise validated. I will say what I know will "crush" someone in my desperation to escape feeling threatened, or emotionally destroyed. Since I've accepted I'm psychic, felt the change within me, I really try to stay calm, because when I get angry it's exhausting, I beg people to stop because of how ill and drained conflict makes me. Now I'm finding others - especially other Empaths - insisting that I am "making them" feel a certain way - up to and including "terrible", "guilty", "anxious", "physically ill" and I don't want to accept that I can do such things.

Intuitively, I think I'm shielding myself from what I know is toxic to me, and in doing so reflecting, amplifying, superimposing, influencing other's "self" feelings? Looking back now, this seems to be a pattern for me, and since I would run away before fight, or walk 100 miles out of my way to avoid verbal conflict it has to be a defense mechanism. I have the ability to "make" people; feel good, safe, understood, special, and so on; but it seems this ability goes the other way too.

Can anyone else relate to this, or offer me their educated insight? I could really use reassurance that it's just me protecting myself! The thought of hurting someone else - even accidentally - is a terrible one. I'm 32, and I feel I have suffered greatly because I feel so alien. I became jaded and angry at the world, and most everyone in it. I've become a much happier person since accepting I'm psychic - 3 weeks ago - , not mentally ill, and I promised to only do good, but I can seem to cause more damage now too, and I do not like it! All I've ever wanted was to help others, and understand myself - in that order. - XtjrX.

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The following comments are submitted by users of this site and are not official positions by psychic-experiences.com. Please read our guidelines and the previous posts before posting. The author, XtjrX, has the following expectation about your feedback: I will participate in the discussion and I need help with what I have experienced.

christiangirl (9 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-06-24)
i'm a empath as well, I ask God to help me, and he answers my prays. When I ask God a I clear my mind so I can get an honest answer, then I hear a voice in my head telling the answer. One night I ask that he would help me or tell me what will happen to me in a dream."I will, but you must be willing to interpt it." I came up with the meaning of the dream, it was "you will be receive blessings thousands of times more numerous than the sufferings have exprenced on earth. What you have now is nothing compared with what I will give you."
LightandDarkness (3 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-21)
Hi! I saw your comment on one of Dark Beauty's post where you wrote about your experiences when your vision "spaced out". Thus, I will use your invitation to voise my "space out". It happens very often, every time I think about something really much, actually. Once, I sat in my bedroom and thought about these phsychic people, all of a sudden my vision blurs and it's like my brain is unconcious, white dots and whirlpools cover my vision and the next thing I know, I see a room with two arches and paintings on the light brown-beige walls with gold ornaments. I didn't try to stop it because I was curious, the room I was seeing seemed to be an old hallway designed in a castle-like touch. It was really big and the hight to the ceiling was around 5-6 metres. A few months later I ended up in the exact same place as seen in my "space out". It was a little hallway/room in a church... That was my first time seeing other places through "spaceing out". Now, everytime I "space out" I see places or people. Not always do they "come true" but they're often sort of connected to other things... So complicated... But it's nice feeling that I'm not alone... Since my parents won't believe me and my grandmother is very sceptic... She wouldn't even believe me when I showed her the PSI training thing with the needle and the metal foil on it-.-
stormtree (1 stories) (53 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-20)
P.S.

It gives one pause, does it not, to consider how evil can turn love into hate? In my reactive defensiveness of those who had been laid low, I was, myself, projecting hateful images regarding the fate of my own vulnerable coworkers...

Stormtree
stormtree (1 stories) (53 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-20)
XtjrX,

I must confess that I'm just a little blown away. When I was following the link to your most recent post, I was somewhat confused, because your opening phrase is so close to my own self-description, but I didn't remember writing it in these posts...

"The front line trenches of social service"...

I've worked a lot with homeless people, and I completely agree with you regarding your focus on dignity and respect. While many may pay lip service to the principle, few have the vision to see themselves and the Divine in those whose garments, lives, and even souls have become tattered.

I had two reference points on my moral compass that I checked at the end of every shift: What had I learned from those I had worked with? Had I shared respect in pilgrimage?

In truth, more often than not, I found myself in humble respect for, and learned far more from, my clients on the downtown streets than from the professionals I was working with.

To be honest, I became more than a little impatient with some of my coworkers who, whether or not they were aware of it or expressed it in so many words, believed that they were somehow of a different species from our clients.

Pathological anti-empathy, if you will.

Those who fear their own shadows...

They were blind both to the ephemeral aspects of their own sheltered lives and to the dignity of those who were only a few missed steps away from such a life. Indignant they would be that a client preferred their privacy behind a dumpster to the humiliating chaos of a shelter, or outraged that a soul would complain about the side effects of, or even refuse to take, the crippling psych meds that had so carelessly been prescribed in the mill that was called a hospital. The acceleration of soul loss to the infernal meth and other substances that drag down the ambitious at their peak or constantly tempt the newly fallen was another area in which it seems all too many fortunate souls have far more judgment than compassion.

God, let me indeed walk in humility...

I had to watch the cynic in me... At times, I would in my mind give some of the more judgmental ones under three weeks on the streets before they were, themselves, bending over for a fix... Not a noble or helpful thought, but I felt such anger at their ignorant distain...

It would seem that, just as they had blocked any empathy they might have had for some of our clients in uncomfortable spaces, I blocked my own empathy for them in their fear of their own shadows of degradation.

I guess the moral of the story is that we most block what we most fear in ourselves, and in that self-divorce we find our illness.

Like many dark social workers, I reactively identified with the rough and despised, preferring this identification to the superficial and judgmental. Problem is, I lumped a lot of what was healthy in to my dark prejudice. Obviously, this made it difficult for the spiritual and material world to give me a lot of external dignity, loyalty, or material well-being outside of that which came from those who were mentally, emotionally, and materially unstable.

Ah gawt bettah...

So you see, when I talk about finding peace...

Hmmm...got on a little bit of a ramble there. Front line trenches and all that.

Time to go stick some daisies in gun barrels.

Stormtree
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-20)
Stormtree: Right out of college I went into the front line trenches of social service. I worked as a case manager for homeless adults. I saw right away that for many of them, their name-tied to their dignity- was all that they had left. So I make sure that I maintian respectfull eye contact, actively listen, and most importantly addrress them correctly by the name they give me.
stormtree (1 stories) (53 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-20)
NOT a problem. To be honest, I was a little tickled. In fact, you've given me something to think about.

A lot of the essence of my name, which was given by those who knew and loved me when I was a young man (about thirty years ago), was the strength that I represented to them... A secure and loving place for those who needed shelter, and a well-grounded soul who himself had weathered many storms.

It was also given with compassion, because it was known how painful the storms can be.

Over the years, it is possible that there has been a little shift in my substance/bluff ratio... While I may, indeed, be tougher and sharper than I ever was before, it seems that I am just starting to learn, and not quite full of it as I used to be...

The fact that my strength and hard won lessons, such as they are, can lend some comfort and guidance to others is a pleasant thing indeed.

At any rate, I was feeling strong when I wrote you, and I'm happy if I gave you something to respect and be comforted by. Our self-respect begins with our mirrors, and I was, ultimately, only reflecting you.

Stormtree.
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-20)
Stormtree: its important to me that I get your name right. Its a sign of respect. In my minds eye I really saw it as strong. Clearly I trust what I feel over what I see. This is the first time I saw stormtree. And I don't mean to rhyme it just comes out like that.
stormtree (1 stories) (53 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-20)
XtjrX,

I'm getting ready to turn in, but I did want to respond to your response to my response.

Don't worry about my "seeing you in a better light." It's all about shared pilgrimage. But it is good to hear that you are doing so well.

I really get the chameleon thing, and, as with a number of your other characteristics, I strongly relate. Goes along with being the shamanic actor/writer/healer Scorp that I am. You are right... It is, indeed, a gift, and your adaptability is absolutely not "sub-human". Integrity does not equal monochrome.

Must rest the body. See you in the posts.

Stormtree. (I take no offense at your calling me "Strongtree", although that is not my name. If I am strong it is only by virtue of years of roots and lots of weathered flexibility... But the years have beaten plenty of life-saving humility into me as well.)
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-20)
Strongtree: first of all thanks for your insight. I was here last night when you started replying to others, and I thought your replies very moving. I wrote this story in a whirlwind of chaos in my life, having come this close I I to throwing everything away because I was missing something in my life, and tried to fill it with all the wrong things. When I woke-up and excepted I was truely psychic, things started happening faster than I could find a spiritual foundation fast enough, having grown up in a spiritual vacume. This place became my sanctuary, I was introduced to this community as an empath, but I learned that I had abilities far beyond empathy. Please read my other stories that you might see me in a better light, because I see now I've made great strides in learning to control my psychic hissy-fits when I get shoved on the playground of life.

I am social chamelion also, my personality is quite fluid. I usually describe it as a file cabinet, I just pull which ever characteristics I know will get me where I want to be. This made me feel sub-human for a long time, but its a gift too.

I hope to hear more from you.
Tiffany006 (2 stories) (30 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-19)
Yea that sounds like my husband, the difference is he embraces his negativity as "this is just who he is" while I know the good in him. So I'm stuck between a rock and a hrad place as they say
stormtree (1 stories) (53 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-19)
You wrote:

"All I've ever wanted was to help others, and understand myself - in that order"

First of all, reverse that order. If you are over focused on others, you will neglect your own evolution, and you will alienate and even hurt others in your imbalance. While the prayer to seek to understand rather than to be understood is indeed a noble focus, do not confuse this with failing to pursue self-understanding. You cannot see through muddy waters, and you cannot give a gentle guiding hand if your own craft is storm-tossed.

Actually, I relate very strongly to what you have described. I am also a very intense individual, and extremely empathic. There have been times in my past when I have played into, exacerbated, and even become attached to other people's chaos. This both reflected and snowballed my own.

I am 53, and I have at times been quite jaded and bitter. My work and life have had me on a daily - or nightly - basis in the midst of things that most people would not allow into their worst nightmares, and, believe me, I have seen my share of the dark side of humanity and the despair in this world. Despite the fact that I have always tried to do good for others, I have frequently been betrayed in horribly destructive ways. While I have developed extremely good social skills and can relate well with almost anyone, from a homicidal meth addict to a terrified elderly woman in a mansion, there are precious few people who I can honestly call peers. Most people would either stare blankly with frozen grins or run away screaming if they knew a tenth of what I perceive or think about.

While the answer does not lie in totally shutting oneself down, it is critical to develop balance and control, and all mastery begins with self-mastery.

Stop obsessing on whether or not you are impacting people. Of course you are. Whether you smile or glare at a passing stranger will have some effect. Some individuals will be more susceptible than others. Kind words and harsh words... Same thing. Psychic input...what's the mystery there? So you operate on that level more than a lot of people do. So what... The fact is that you must bring yourself into balance and health so that what you put into this world is in balance and health.

I mentioned some people being more susceptible than others. Guess what? You are one of them. In your obsession with others, you are neglecting yourself. You are like a vulnerable kid who is picked on by others and, consciously or not, deliberately or not, lashes out in nasty pain. Your psychic empathy is just another dimension to this, functionally no different than bad faces and unkind words... Or gentle reassurances on the same planes.

Your problem is not your gift, and your gift is not mental illness. Your problem is your own lack of personal center and emotional and mental health. I'm not talking about a psychiatric diagnosis kind of mental illness. I'm talking about a lack of personal peace and well being.

Of course you need to shield yourself from what is toxic to you, but what you really need to do is embrace what is healing for you. At thirty-two, you are both young enough to have plenty of time to find harmony and bring it to others, and old enough to have the resources to start figuring out how.

It is a matter of life or death. You will live and die both experiencing and promoting misery, or you will live and die experiencing and sharing healing. What your gift means is that both your own experience of harmony and your impact on the world will be intensified, no matter which way you go.

Take your focus off of your gift and others. Put the focus on finding your own spiritual center and healing.

Find peace, my friend. Feel free to post again. Hope this helps.

Stormtree
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-19)
Oracle101: thanks for your reply. I can't help but feel like you think I'm creepy though. I was hoping you'd reply based on my responses to others, but you picked my yucky story. I of course have to give you the benefit of the doubt. I can't be sure because I'm a little sad about your take on the right and the left hand, ear etc. I'm left handed, and my gaurdian speaks in my left ear.
Oracle101 (2 stories) (506 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-05-19)
You posted a comment on my story asking for my advice so here it is.

As the saying goes "You are what you eat". This can be applied to what you are experiencing now. Yes you are an Empath, but you are also a person who has feelings, insecurities, bad days, bad moods, etc. Since some portals goes both directions you might have the ability to pass on bad feelings to people just as easily as you can sense them.

The good news is you now realize you are doing this, you appropriately feel bad about doing it, and you are asking for help on how not to do it.

Most people have the ability to spread negative energy, so you are not alone. One of my friends does not like mornings and if she visits me in the morning she often lowers my good mood. Now that she is aware of it we have an agreement that she will try harder not to dampen my good moods.

I suggest clearing your life of anything that might be negative and dark so you can surround yourself only with pure goodness so you can reflect light and good energy to those around you. It is easy being bad. Show the world how powerful you can be as a good person.

Oracle ❤
Cocodreams (2 stories) (66 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-29)
Xtjrx - Thank you. You just explained why I felt that way when I was reading your post yesterday. I felt everything you just described. I felt that you carried a lot of pain and there is an evil that resides inside of you but doesn't belong. I felt it. My chest got so tight and I could sense something evil in your words. I will pray for you. I told you yesterday and I'll tell you again. There is no need to worry because you will be fine.

Unfortunately, your father didn't lay a strong foundation for you. Instead, he has weakened you by putting fear inside of you that has manifested into negativity. Thus, allowing evil to be attracted to you, live inside of you and breed.

What you can do is use that negative energy and turn it into positive. I'm not going to tell you to chant anything or get holy water or any of that crap. What you need to do first and foremost is try and remain as positive as you can at all times! It starts from within. You can heal yourself. I don't know if you believe in God and I'm not preaching but if you do believe HE or some form of greater power exists then put your faith into that and ask that you are cleansed of your evil thoughts and ways. You aren't an evil person. You are the result of something evil that found a weakness in you and is playing you like a fiddle. Take control of yourself, your mind and soul. Be very AWARE. Aware of how you think, how you act, what you say and how you treat people. Take responsibility for your actions. If you can do a good deed a day then do it. And do it with a smile without expecting anything in return. Understand that you will not always be thanked for your good deeds. Who cares. Thats their loss right? Just be conscious of the negative energy you throw into the world. Smile when you can.

P.S. - I love tats. I have 3 of them. Not nearly as many as you.

Again...you will be fine. I'm with you. 😁 ❤ 😁
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-29)
Cocodreams: I aimed my anger and malice inwards, because of how had I felt about myself. I'm an artist, and I tattood myself-a lot! I would do it deeper than I needed to because the pain was a release. But the images I choose were to "protect" me, remind me to be strong, express my pain and suffering, etc.

I've always been aware of these ugly-or ungodly things inside me since I was a teen. While I was afraid of most everything, the thing I was most afraid of was-me. I was terrified of what I might do to someone who wanted to physically hurt me, and I couldn't run away. Well a 5 years ago I broke my leg so bad that I can't run away anymore. So things just got worse for me-mentally.

The good news is that I'm being clensed of it each time I meditate, or do the greater good. But I pick up so much toxic garbage energy from others and media, and I can't get rid of it fast enough. I'm really working on the "right" shield for me.
My revelation is this: I suspect that evil wanted me to destroy myself, because it knew if I ever learned I was "good", and protected, I could tell bad spirits to leave, and they would have to. I'm better than I was by far; but I have so much yet to do to clense myself of 30 years of pent up rage. That much rage is terrifying. I simply must remain calm and collected at all times now, or the things I describe in this story happen to people I care about. I feel like a 5 year old with an atomic bomb, and that's NOT NOT NOT good. So I meditate alot, try to avoid situations and people I know will set me off, until I can get control over my gifts which are becomming quite strong. Again. Please pray for me. I need all the help I can get.
Cocodreams (2 stories) (66 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-29)
Xtjrx- Just wondering. Do you carry malice or hatred or something of the sort inside of you? Do you sometimes feel angry at everything? Have you ever felt like harming someone or yourself but never acted on it?

Yes! I confront evil with confidence! I always felt that if someone held a gun to my head (which infact they did) that they could never pull the trigger. A few words from me could change their actions (which it has) My dad (parents) laid a powerful and sturdy foundation but it was I who taught myself how to be confident and fearless. My parents are actually amazed by who I am and how I conduct myself.
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-29)
Cocodreams: I kind of wonder if on some level, people who have something to hide, or are "evil" -insert your own words here. Feel increadibly threatened by someone who can pick up on it. I suspect your father gave you the confidence to walk right up to evil and introduce yourself. I was terrified of my father, and did the opposite- I ran away. I avoided those people I sensed something "bad"-again insert your word- here. How my dad related to me made me afraid of the him, others, world, and I built up a lot of rage, resentment and truthfully hatred towards the world, and people who I knew had bad in them, or made me feel like a "freak". There's a lot more to it, but I'm having a hard time putting it into a well thought out paragraph. But I wanted to reply as best I could at this moment.
Cocodreams (2 stories) (66 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-29)
Sometimes when I walk up to a group of people one person out of the group will become noticeably flustered. Sometimes they will lash out verbally towards me for no reason even though I'm smiling and introducing myself. They have to immediately remove themself from my presence. This happened to me as early as 2 Saturdays ago. I can't explain it but it's been happening since Juinior high School. I never thought much about it except that wahatever evil that was inside them gets upset when my good spirit arrives. Has this happened to anyone else? Xtjrx - is this the same thing that happens to you?
Cocodreams (2 stories) (66 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-29)
XtjrX -

Of course! I love new friends! 😊 I've been payign attention to your postings. Read mine and we will learn about each other.
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-29)
Cocodreams: I'm a passionate guy myself. It's a good thing. I hope we can be friends. I'm offering my friendship.
Cocodreams (2 stories) (66 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-29)
XtjrZ - It's cool. No worries. I'm just passionate when I write/speak so everything comes out sounding/feeling intense.
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-28)
Cocodreams: Any /all prayers would be greatley appreciated. If you hadn't told me I would never have known. I believe you when you say it's not funny-it's certainly not funny to me. I feel bad, I don't want you to feel threatened such that you feel the need to tell me you are protected. I only want to do good and help others. I'm scrambling to find a shield that will work benefit everyone.
Cocodreams (2 stories) (66 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-28)
Xtjrx - Please don't apologize. You can't and will never harm me. I am protected and I have been since the day I was born by default. Meaning, I am my fathers daughter. No one or nothing can or will harm me. It's something I've always felt and understood. I will keep you in my prayers and hope that whatever I'm feeling isn't so. Thank you for your compliment. I too am in my infantry stages but I don't look to enhance it. I just feel it. It enhances on it's own I guess. Trust me. You will be just fine.
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-28)
Cocodreams: I'm very sorry you feel what you did. I find your insights quite amazing. I will meditate on it and ask for guidance. Again, my sincerest appology if you felt something icky inside me. I'm still in my psychic infancy, and the next step has to be to learn to shield. Again, sincerest appology to you and everyone.
Cocodreams (2 stories) (66 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-28)
XtjrX - I'm looking for your posting about the cat but for some reason I came across this one. You have a strong energy that is sitting in my chest and it has been there ever since I've read your reply to another post. (the one you just responded to me about) I don't like the feeling at all and I'm not being funny. I think there is a lot of negativity in you and something is wrong. I don't know what it is. I don't even know how to begin to tell you what it is but for some reason it feels hidden. Like it wants to come out. My heart feels for you. It feels sorry for you. Why though? What is it about you?
kelisima (10 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-28)
That is very difficult, I have never had to deal with that side affect. Maybe only a people deal with it?
cursedbeforebirth (1 stories) (3 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-28)
Im sorry you are having a terible time with your ability for I know how it feels to completly keep it bottled up. I would really like to talk to you more about it. I think its time everyone read my story.
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-27)
In light of recent events, it feels like the right thing for me to do is not to post any more stories, and NOT reply to anyone's stories. Again, I feel misunderstood, and after havnig gone through all these amazing things, I arrive back at my starting point--Im completely miserable. This is for my own protection as well.
XtjrX (7 stories) (300 posts)
 
11 years ago (2009-04-27)
Look up reptilian brain psychic, or r-complex. I'm a subliminal-a psychic vampire as they say. I answered my own question. What a difference a week makes. I can now do this with purpose, and I know how I'm doing it. Ill write more.

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